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If I Only Had a Million 



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THF AMA7flN^ Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five fe 
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If I Only Had a Million 

A Comedy in Three Acts 



By 
JAY CLAY POWERS 

Author of "Bonnie's Christmas Eve" "A Day 
in Court" etc. 



Notice to Professionals 

This play is published for the free use of amateur players and 
organizations only. Professional actors or companies producing 
it in any form or under any title, without the permission of the 
author, who may be addressed in care of the publishers, will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1916 



If I Only Had a Million 



CHARACTERS 

(As originally produced at the Carnegie Library, San Antonio, Texas, 
May 20, 1915) 

Tohn W. Smith, who wants a million . . Dr. W. C Gerstenkorn 

till Smith, his wife Mrs. Jenme B^ Cyrus 

Catherine, their daughter . . . Miss Ehz abeth Fatrwea ther 
Mrs. Dugan, their landlady Mrs. W E Patterson 

Eddie, her son ;*■ T ' zr- 7 . 

Mrs. de Lacey, of the smart set Mrs Lenna Finley 

JEAN, her daughter Mm ; La. ?a Fasey 

Edward Evanston Garland, a clergyman . Edwin Fairweather 
Lord Ferdinand Rainscourt, a fortune hunter .R.L. Ste'venson 

Adam Mertens, a socialist Chudlei± ]h Clrfford 

H. A. Vanderlip, an attorney . TV &% Po ™ ers 

William, an English servant nl^M ZZut 

Nannette, a French servant . ..... Miss Minibel Stout 

A number of Socialists. 

SYNOPSIS 

Time.— Present. Place.— A large city. 
Act I.— John W. Smith's living-room. 

What He Would Do If — 
Act II.— J. Watterson Smythe's drawing-room. 

What He Did Do When — 
Act III.— J. Watterson Smythe's drawing-room. 

If is Reconciled to When. 

Note.— Vanderlip and William may double. 

Mrs. Dugan and Nannette may double. 




Copyright, 191 5, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 
Professional and moving picture^ightsre&rved. 

OEC IB 1915 % B C~~ 

©CJ.D 42518 



If I Only Had a Million 



ACT I 

SCENE. — John W. Smith's combination living- and dining- 
room. Dining-table, R. c, in course of being set for dinner. 
Clock on wall, hands pointing to seven o y clock. Easy chair, 
L. c. Moderate priced furnishings, but in good taste. Swing- 
ing-door, r. 2 e. Door, l. 2 e. Door, l. b. Other chairs 
where needed. 

{After rise of curtain, Catherine, a pretty girl of seventeen, 
enters, R., carrying dishes. Business of setting the table. 
Looks at clock.} 

Cath. Seven o'clock and father not yet home. I fear 
there will be unpleasantness to-night. What could have de- 
tained him? {Business.} If he has found a job mother will 
not be so angry. {Business.') I wish I had been born a boy ; 
girls are so helpless. 

Enter, l., Mrs. Smith, a portly woman of forty, with a society 
jourfial in her hand. 

Mrs. S. Your father has not returned ? 

Cath. No. Shall we eat without him ? 

Mrs. S. Certainly not ! I want him to realize how he has 
put us out. {Sits l. c. and looks at journal.') Here's some- 
thing that should interest you, Kitty. {Reads.) "Mrs. Regi- 
nald de Lacey has given up her cottage at Newport for the 
coming season and will remain in town." (Cath. exits r.) 
"The impression prevails that this was made necessary by the 
demands on her time as a director of the Associated Rescue 
Missions. Dame Rumor says, however, that Reginald's recent 
heavy loss in Northern Consolidated is the true cause. It is 
stated on good authority that Lord Rainscourt is not engaged 
to Miss Jean de Lacey, rumors to the contrary notwithstand- 



4 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

ing. Their friendship is said to be of the purely platonic 
variety." Well, what do you think of that ? (Calls.) Kitty ! 

Reenter Cath., r., with knives and forks. 

Cath. Yes, mother, what is it ? 

Mrs. S. It was extremely impolite of you to leave the room 
while I was reading to you. 

Cath. I didn't mean it that way ; I wanted to finish set- 
ting the table. 

Mrs. S. It seems that Lord Rainscourt is not going to 
marry Jean de Lacey after all. In my opinion he intended to, 
but changed his mind when he found out that her father was 
so heavily involved. Don't you think so? 

Cath. I don't know. I have told you so often, mother, 
that I am not the least bit interested in society news. 

Mrs. S. No, of course you're not. You are like your 
father; you lack ambition. 

Cath. Why should it interest me ? 

Mrs. S. And why not, pray ? That is what I would like 
to know. 

Cath. For one thing, our station in life is so different from 
theirs that 



Mrs. S. That the cat mustn't look at the king? Stuff and 
nonsense ! If I had possessed a voice like yours I should have 
managed to find my way to the very top of the ladder, and not 
have thrown myself away on John Smith. 

Cath. Mother, please don't speak so of father ! 

Mrs. S. Well, didn't I throw myself away? Doesn't he 
spend three-fourths of his time theorizing on what he would 
do if he had money, and one-fourth on actually trying to make 
some ? Has he ever made us a respectable living, to say noth- 
ing of the luxuries of life ? 

Cath. I'm afraid you would consider me impertinent if I 
should say what I think about it. 

Mrs. S. No, I won't. You might as well say it as think it. 

Cath. It is this then : when you married father you were 
both young, and maybe none too well suited. He had made 
a living for himself at a kind of work that you thought beneath 
him. Don't you think, as his life-partner, you should have 
encouraged him to stick to his trade ? 

Mrs. S. How do you know that I didn't? 

Cath. You forget that I became a member of the firm the 
year after you and father went into business. Instead of 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 5 

encouraging him to hold on to his job at the clothing store, 
you began nagging him to turn his hand to something better. 
Instead of making him feel that you had confidence in his 
ability, you were the first to raise the doubt of success in him, 
and once that doubt takes firm hold on a man he becomes a 
failure. 

Mrs. S. (rising). Oh, it is easy for you to defend your 
father, but you can never know what his lack of success has 
meant to me. How would you like to marry a man and then 
find that he was unable to make a living for you ? 

Cath. I'd pull off my coat and put my shoulder to the 
wheel of the matrimonial wagon, too. I wouldn't sit on the 
driver's seat and increase the load. He has provided rather 
well of late, hasn't he? 

Mrs. S. Give the devil his due, he has. That is what 
puzzles me. Where does he get the money ? He never seems 
to have any about him. I can never find any in his pockets 
after he's gone to bed. Yet he manages to pay the rent and 
the grocery bill,— but why doesn't that Dugan boy come with 
our groceries ? 

Cath. He said he'd bring our order on his way home. 
I'm sure he'll be here directly. [Ring at door, l. b.) There 
he is now ! (Goes to door, l. b., and opens it.) Hello, Eddie ! 

Enter Eddie Dugan, a good-looking young man of twenty -two, 
with basket of provisioiis o?i his arm. 

Ed. Hello, Kitty ! Sorry I'm late with your order, Mrs. 
Smith. (Gives basket to her.) Just as we were closing Rev- 
erend Garland 'phoned in a large charity order and I stayed 
over time to put it up. I hope I did right ? 

Mrs. S. {acidly). No doubt of it. {Exit, R. 

Cath. (down stage). Don't mind her; she's cross because 
father is late. 

Ed. I don't mind. (Takes bouquet from under coat.) 

Cath. Are those for me ? 

Ed. For the sweetest girl in all the world. 

Cath. (taking flowers). Thank you so much. They are 
lovely. (Kisses the flowers.) 

Ed. I call that wasted effort. 

Cath. Call what? 

Ed. Kissing the flowers. 

Cath. (looking to see if coast is clear). What do you call 
this ? (Kisses him.) 



6 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Ed. The happiest moment of my life. 

{Puts arms around her. Detecting the approach of Mrs. S. 
the lovers spring apart, and try to look unconcerned.} 

Enter Mrs. S., r. 

Mrs. S, {coldly). I thought you had gone, Mr. Dugan. 

{Crosses to c.) 

Ed. No, ma'am, I hadn't. I'm just going now. {Opens 
door.) As I was saying, Kitty, mother expects you down 
to-night to sing for her. 

Cath. Why, you weren't — (Ed. signals desperately) weren't 
expecting me down to-night, were you ? 

Ed. {confused). No, we weren't. I mean yes, we were. 

Mrs. S. (frigidly). I think I feel a draft from the open 
door. 

Ed. 'Tis getting rather chilly in here, Mrs. Smith. I'll 
close it after me. Good-bye, Kitty. 

Cath. Good-bye, Eddie. I'll be down to-night. 

(Mrs. Dugan, a kindly old Irish woman of sixty, appears 
in door, l. b.) 

Mrs. D. Oh, and is it you, me b'y ? (Ed. kisses her.) And 
for why did ye keep good Mistress Smith waitin' for her 
victules? 

Cath. He couldn't help it, Mrs. Dugan. He had to work 
over time. 

Mrs. D. Shure and Oi knew 'twuz somethin' o* the kind. 
Run along now wid ye, Eddie, and Oi'll be afther fixin* your 
supper for ye the minute. (Ed. exits l. b. Mrs. D. comes 
down stage.) How be ye, Kitty, me darlint ? {Pats Cath. 
on head.) Be your mon to home yit, Mistress Smith? 

Mrs. S. (tartly). No, he's not ! 

Mrs. D. And Oi don't blame yez for answerin' short and 
sharp loike. The rain be a nuisance whin they're late. Yez 
moight moind to tell him, though, thot Oi'll be up to see him 
afther supper. Good-bye to yez. 

Cath. Good-bye, Mrs. Dugan. I'll be down to sing for 
you after I get the dishes washed. 

Mrs. D. Oi'll be expectin' ye, me darlint. [Exit, L. b. 

Mrs. S. {after a pause). Kitty, what was Eddie Dugan 
saying to you just before I entered the room a moment ago? 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION J 

Cath. He — he said it was the happiest moment of his life. 

Mrs. S. What led him to make such an idiotic remark ? 

Cath. He gave me some flowers, and I — I — I thanked him 
for them. Oh, mother, I wish you could like Eddie. 

Mrs. S. I don't dislike him. If I was sure that nothing 
more serious had passed between you than flowers, I think I 
could find it in my heart to like him very much. 

Cath. I should have told you before, but I was afraid to. 
I — I — Eddie and I are engaged, mother. 

Mrs. S. Can I believe my ears? A daughter of mine en- 
gaged to a nobody? Don't you realize that those people are 
not our kind of people? That they are beneath us? 

Cath. If being warm-hearted, good and true is what counts, 
I don't realize it. 

Mrs. S. That doesn't enter into the question. 

Cath. If it's money that counts, they own the roof over 
our heads. 

Mrs. S. That has nothing to do with it, either. You wil- 
fully misunderstand me ! Mrs. Dugan is an ignorant, unedu- 
cated old woman ; and her son is only a grocery boy. 

Cath. He's not a grocery boy. He's a clerk in the store. 
Just because he's kind enough to deliver our things to us, you 
call him a grocery boy. But he's not, and you know it. 

Mrs. S. You forget to whom you're speaking. You may 
go to your room. (Cath. starts to door, l.) Just a moment ! 
I want you to promise me two things : not to mention your — 
your engagement to your father, and not to — to marry until 
you are of age or have obtained our consent. Will you 
promise ? 

Cath. Yes. [Exit, l. 

Mrs. S. I was afraid she would fall in love with that Dugan 
boy. She is her father over again. Is it not enough to have 
to go through life with such a man ? Must I see my daughter 
become his living prototype? Why doesn't he come home? 
He's over an hour late already. He'll get a warm reception 
when he does come ! [Exit, r. 

(After a pause, with latch-key in hand, John W. Smith, a 
spare-built man of forty-five, e?iters door, l. b.) 

Smith. When all's said and done, there's no place like 
home. (Puts on house-coat and slippers.*) After the cares of 
the busy mart, as the poet would say, how refreshing the laugh- 
ter of childish innocence. How enheartening the arms of 



8 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

wifely devotion around one's neck. But whither the child, 
and where the gentle wife ? {Rises. Calls.) Kitty ! Maria ! 
I'm home ! 

Enter Cath., l. Crosses to Smith. 

Cath. Father ! 

Smith {embracing her). My little doll ! 

Enter Mrs. S., r. 

Mrs. S. So you've come at last ! 

Smith. Please do let me explain, Maria, I 

Mrs. S. Oh, your Majesty will explain why he elected to 
come home ? 

Smith. I'm elected all right, all right. 

Mrs. S. Perchance you will condescend to tell your min- 
ions whether or not dinner may now be served ? 

[Exit Cath., r. 

Smith {meekly). Why, really, my love — — 

Mrs. S. Don't you "my love" me! When you left this 
morning you promised to come home on time for dinner. 

Smith. But, my precious — — 

Mrs. S. Don't " my precious" me, either. Why are you 
over an hour late ? It does seem to me that when you are not 
working, when you are playing the gentleman of leisure, you 
might, at least, come home to your dinner on time. Well, 
why don't you speak? What is your excuse? What new lie 
are you prepared to tell ? 

Smith. The cars were blocked, my dear, and 

Mrs. S. The cars ? Do you mean to stand there and tell 
me that you rode home on the cars, when there's not a cent in 
the house, and the rent unpaid ? Your wife and child must 
walk wherever they go, but you, a big, strong man, — you can 
ride. 

(Cath. reenters r., with food.) 
Smith. I didn't say I rode, I 



Mrs. S. Now he denies it. Oh, what deceit ! You just 
said the cars were blocked 

Smith. And so they were, my pet, — if you would let me 
explain. 

Mrs. S. Let you explain ? What have I been trying to get 
you to do ? 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 9 

Smith. Well, the cars were blocked, Maria 

Mrs. S. You wouldn't need to repeat that if you were tell- 
ing the truth ! Why don't you go on ? 

Smith. And I, a pedestrian, my dear, stopped to ascertain 
what was the matter. It seems that quite a crowd had collected 
to hear Adam Mertens, the Socialist, speak. The crowd was 
so great that it interfered with traffic, until a riot-call brought 
enough policemen to clear a way. I then stayed to hear Mr. 
Mertens. 

Mrs. S. So that is where you have been, to a Socialist 
meeting. Instead of finding a position, you loiter with hood- 
lums. The next thing we know you'll be lecturing on street 
coiners yourself, expounding your absurd doctrine of how peo- 
ple, who have become rich by energy and thrift, should give 
away their money. 

Smith. Honest to goodness, Maria, I've looked for a job all 
day. I just happened to bump into that crowd on my way 
home. I wish you and Kitty could have heard Mertens, 
though. His address was most interesting. 

Mrs. S. I don't doubt it ! Anything is more interesting to 
you than your wife and daughter. Kitty has your dinner on 
the table. You and she may eat. 1 don't want any. I'm 
going to bathe my head ; it is nearly splitting. 

[Exit, l. Cath. exits, r. 

Smith. Damn ! (Pause.') Two more damns ! Is this the 
treatment you deserve, John, after walking all day long looking 
for employment ? No, John, it is not. Maria was never meant 
to be the helpmate of a philosopher. " Absurd doctrine " she 
calls the conclusions 1 have reached after years of meditation. 
If I only had a million I would show her a thing or two. 

Enter Cath., r., with more food. 

Cath. Come, father, dinner is ready. 

Smith. And I am ready for dinner, my love. (Sits at 
table, l. Cath. sits R. of table.) When you kissed me, Kitty, 
I noticed that you had been crying. What about ? 

Cath. I had a dispute with mother. I'm afraid I was im- 
pertinent to her. 

(They eat.) 

Smith. Dispute with your mother? Impossible, What 
could have induced you to so far forget yourself? 



10 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Cath. She said that Mrs. Dugan was an ignorant, unedu- 
cated old woman, and that Eddie was only a grocery boy, and 
that they were beneath us. 

Smith. And you had the temerity to dispute that assertion ? 

Cath. Yes. 

Smith. But, my pet, your mother was right. She is always 
right. Even though all the rules of logic, and then some, were 
diametrically opposed to the truth of her assertion, she would 
still be right. I will elucidate : Mrs. Dugan, you will agree, 
is ignorant of many facts, uneducated in many things, is old, 
and a woman. 

Cath. Ye-es. 

Smith. Hence she is an ignorant, uneducated, old woman. 
Isn't that right? 

Cath. Ye-es. But Eddie is not a grocery boy. 

Smith. We shall see. Eddie is under twenty-one, hence, 
at law, an infant. He is not a girl, then he must be a boy. 
Business of his employer : grocery man ; of Eddie : grocery boy. 
Is your mother right ? I guess yes ! 

Cath. Even so, they are not beneath us. 

Smith. They most certainly are. They're in the next flat 
below. Without exception, Kitty, your mother is always 
right. 

Cath. There's just one thing wrong with your reasoning. 

Smith. What's that ? 

Cath. Eddie is twenty-two. {Laughs.) 

Smith {laughing). Well, no matter, she's right anyhow. 

Enter Mrs. S., l., " society" journal in hand. Sits l. c. 
and pretends to read. She is furious because they are 
eating without her. 

Cath. Is your head any better, mother ? {Pause.) Won't 
you have a cup of hot tea? I'm sure it would help it. 

Mrs. S. I don't care for anything. You and your father 
eat, and let me alone ! 

Smith {after a pause, to Cath.). This is a lovely cut of 
meat, Kitty, is it not ? 

Cath. Yes, father, it is. 

(Mrs. S. glares at Smith.) 

Smith. The Worcestershire sauce gives it just the proper 
seasoning, does it not, my pet ? 
Cath* Yes, father. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION II 

(Mrs. S. twists journal into the form of a billy , glaring the 

while.') 

Smith. I don't know when I've enjoyed a dinner so much. 

Mrs. S. {hitting Smith on head and shoulders with twisted 
journal'), You will insult me, will you ? You will ? You 
will? 

(Smith retreats up stage. Mrs. S., bursting i?ito tears, re- 
sumes seat. Cath. goes to Mrs. S.) 

Cath. Now, now, that's a good mother 

Mrs. S. Get away from me ! Don't you ever come around 
me again. Just stay with your father and encourage him to 
ill-use me all he wants to. {Rises.) I don't want anything 
more to do with either of you ! [Exit, l. 

(Cath., crying, resumes seat at table.) 

Smith. Don't cry, Kitty, you were not to blame. 

(Puts hand on her head.) 

Cath. You get away ! It's all your fault. You just get 
her worked up on purpose. Now she's mad at me again. 

Smith {resuming seat). Kitty, listen to me ! No matter 
what I had said or done it would have been the same. She 
didn't come in here to read that paper, she came to find an 
excuse to explode. I haven't the gift of making money; that's 
at the bottom of all our family jars. I don't bring home the 
bacon. In a woman's eyes the faculty of money-making covers 
a multitude of sins. No, it isn't the faculty — it's the money 

itself. If I only had a million But say ! did I tell you 

who's coming here to-night ? 

Cath. Who ? 

Smith. Adam Mertens. 

Cath. What is he coming for ? 

Smith. To try to convert me to socialism. 

Cath. What do they believe ? 

Smith. That the early bird catches the worm, but should 
be made to divide with those who are drowsier by nature 
than he. 

Cath. Do you think you'll become a socialist ? 

Smith. If my own theories can be reconciled to their belief 
I probably will. (Rises. Strikes attitude.) I stand for the 
promulgation of true principles of philanthropy. This age 



12 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

needs men who will use their surplus riches for the common 
weal. Not from a desire to be lauded by press or pulpit, not 
through compulsion of law, but because every man, rich or 
poor, is every other man's brother. If I only had a million 
I'd set an example that would revolutionize the world. 

Enter Mrs. S., l. 

Mrs. S. It might interest you to know, Mr. Smith, that 
Mrs. Dugan was up for the rent. 

Smith {irritated). Very well, my dear, very well. 

Mrs. S. She said she would be up again this evening. 
You will have to see her. 

Smith. All right, I'll see her. 

Mrs. S. Finish clearing the table, Kitty ! I can eat my 
dinner cold in the kitchen. (Cath. clears table and exits R. 
Smith whistles a few bars of " What you go in 1 to do when de 
rent comes Wound? ") I wish I could understand that man ! 

[Exit, r. 

Smith. It's easy to assume a confident air and fool Maria, 
but that doesn't pay Mrs. Dugan her rent. Twenty-five of 
Uncle Sam's largest pictures of the Goddess of Liberty, done 
in silver, would be quite an asset just now. {Door-bell rings, 
L. b. ) There she is now ! ( Opens door, l. b. ) Oh, it's 
you, Eddie ! I thought it was your mother. 

Enter Ed., l. b. 

Ed. She'll be up presently. I thought perhaps you might 
want to borrow — that it might not be convenient for you to 
pay mother the rent to-night. If it isn't, I can lend you the 
money. 

Smith. Thanks, Eddie, I'd rather not borrow any more 
money from you. You've already let me have more than I 
will ever be able to repay, I fear. 

Ed. Your luck will change some day and you can pay me 
back. Here, take this twenty-five before she comes ! 

Smith. Well, thank you, Eddie. I hope you are keeping 
an account of what you have let me have. 

Ed. I have it all set down. It's not so much. 

(Smith puts bills in his pocketbook, and his pocketbook back 
into his pocket. Door -bell rings.) 

Smith. There's your mother now. Open the door for her ! 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 1 3 

(Ed. opens door. Mrs. D. enters l. b.) 

Mrs. D. Oi thought thot you had gone out, Eddie. Mis- 
ther Smith, sorry Oi be to throuble ye, but could ye shpare me 
the rint ? 

Enter Mrs. S. ? r. 

Smith (to Mrs. S.). My dear, did I leave my pocketbook 
on the dresser ? No, I have it here. I am very glad to be 
able to oblige you, Mrs. Dugan. (Hands bills to Mrs. D.) 
I think you will find twenty-five there, all right. 

Enter Cath., r. Removes table-cloth and puts on day -cover, 
Ed. assists her. 

Mrs. D. (counting bills'). For shure, and 'tis all roight. 
You niver git no more than a couple o' weeks behind, Misther 
Smith. Oi wisht all me tinints were the same as ye, and thot 
Oi do. Don't you, Eddie ? 

Ed. Ye-es, mother. 

Mrs. D. Ye say it loike ye only half mint it, Eddie, b'y. 
Oh, Misther Smith, Oi wisht you would razon wid Eddie. He 
moight listen to good edvice from you whin he won't from his 
old mither. He used to be so stiddy loike, jist as his feyther 
wuz before him, God rist his soul, but of late he shpinds his 
money loike 'twuz wather, and a poor quality of the same, thot 
he does. Oi thry to hold you up to him as an example, if 
thot be the wurrud, but he only laughs, he's thot brazen. God 
forgive me thot says it. 

Smith. Why, really, Mrs. Dugan, I fear that it is in a great 
measure my own 

Ed. Way of spending your money? You mustn't defend 
me by belittling yourself, Mr. Smith. I am making a long- 
time investment of my money. One that I believe will bring 
me a great deal of happiness in years to come. (Looks ten- 
derly at Cath.) Now, come, mother, you must tidy up a bit 
before Kitty comes down to sing for you. (Leads her to door.) 

Mrs. D. (putting hand on Ed.'s shoulder). Well, well, me 
b'y, ye be a good lad at heart, innyway, and thot's something 
Misther Smith, ben't it now? 

Smith. It is indeed a great deal, Mrs. Dugan. (Sighs.) 
A great, great deal. ^Exeunt Mrs. D. and Ed., l. b. 

Mrs. S. John Smith, you are robbing banks ! 

Smith. In the daytime, Maria ? 



14 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Mrs. S. Then I am certain you are counterfeiting money ! 

Cath. Mother, you know father wouldn't do such things. 

Mrs. S. You keep out of this ! John, where did you get 
that money? 

Smith. I borrowed it, my dear. 

Mrs. S. Nobody would lend you money without security. 
I see that you mean to continue deceiving me. I can go back 
to the kitchen. It's where I belong in this household ! 

[Exit, r. 

Cath. Father, where did you get that money? 

Smith. Now, Kitty, don't you begin. I came by it hon- 
estly. That's all I'm going to say about it. (Door-bell rings.) 
See who is at the door ! 

(Cath. opens the door, disclosing the Rev. Edward Evans- 
ton Garland, a tall, serious, earnest, good-natured, Epis- 
copal clergyman of thirty -five.*) 

Gar. Is this the home of Mr. John W. Smith ? 

Cath. Yes, won't you come in ? 

Smith. Must be the furniture collector. 

Gar. Thank you. (Enters.) 

Smith. Parson for a subscription, and I haven't a nickel. 

Cath. Father, this gentleman 

Gar. Edward Evanston Garland is my name, Mr. Smith. 
I don't believe we have ever met before. 

Smith. I'm glad to make your acquaintance, sir. (Shakes 
hands with Gar.) My daughter, Kitty, Mr. Garland. 

Gar. Charmed, I am sure. {Bows.) 

Cath. Thank you. 

Smith. You are doubtless seeking a subscription for some 
worthy charity? 

Gar. Yes, it might be put in that way. The fact is, I have 
heard that Miss Smith has a remarkable voice, and I called to 
request her to contribute a solo to an entertainment we are giv- 
ing at our mission, one week from to-night. • 

Smith (relieved). Oh, is that it? What do you say, 
Kitty? 

Cath. I would be very glad to sing for them. 

Smith. And I would like you to, my dear. But your 
mother must be consulted on the subject. 

Cath. I'll go and ask her. [Exit, R, 

Smith. Be seated, Mr. Garland. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 15 

(Gar. sits l. c. Smith, r.) 

Gar. I feel certain when I have explained to Mrs. Smith 
the nature of the entertainment, and its purpose, that she will 
consent. 

Smith. No doubt, no doubt. By the way, is the conver- 
sion of souls the only work of your mission, Mr. Garland ? 

Gar. By no means. Christ preached to the multitude, but 
when they became faint he commanded his disciples to feed 
them. Confidentially, Mr. Smith, the lack of funds with which 
to relieve the necessities of those whom we would bring to 
Christ is the chief obstacle we have to encounter. If we could 
fill their stomachs with healthful food, and put decent clothes 
on their backs, our work would be more than half accomplished. 

Smith. And to think that there are millions lying idle in 
the vaults, while thousands go improperly fed and clothed ! 
If I had a million, Mr. Garland, I would gladly place funds at 
your disposal. 

Gar. Some have the spirit, without the means. Others, 
the means, without the spirit. You have the one, I shall pray 
that you may acquire the other also. 

Enter Mrs. S., r., followed by Cath. 

Smith. My dear, this is Reverend Mr. Garland. 

Mrs. S. I am glad to know you, Mr. Garland. 

Gar. And I to know you, Mrs. Smith. I called to request 
your daughter to sing for us, as she has no doubt told you. 
We would like her to accompany us this evening to rehearsal. 

Mrs. S. Us ? 

Gar. I beg your pardon, I forgot to mention that some 
ladies who are assisting me are waiting down-stairs. 

Mrs. S. What is the nature of the entertainment ? 

Gar. A sacred concert, in hope of attracting more of the 
tenement people to our services. 

Mrs. S. How did you learn that my daughter sings? 

Gar. Young Mr. Dugan told me. He has been of great 
assistance to us in our charity work. He has persuaded his 
employer to let him turn over to us on Saturdays at closing 
time all their perishable fruit and vegetables. He spoke in the 
highest praise of Miss Smith's voice. 

Mrs. S. (sarcastically). I don't doubt it. 

Gar. I beg your pardon ? 

MRS. §? 1 know you are engaged in a worthy work, Mr, 



l6 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Garland, but I don't care to have my daughter come in con- 
tact with the class of people that 

Gar. I appreciate your attitude, Mrs. Smith, but, really, 
she would not 

Mrs. S. Be brought in direct contact with the tenement 
people ? I know that. But the other participants on the pro- 
gram ? 

Gar. Are among the city's best. 

Mrs. S. In a spiritual sense, yes. But 

Gar. In every sense. Why they — — 

Mrs. S. I know what you are going to say, but it's no use. 
Kitty cannot go. Besides, she has a cold. 

Cath. Why, mother 

Mrs. S. Kitty, you have ! 

Smith. You just think you haven't, Kitty, but mother 
knows. 

Mrs. S. You can make fun of me all you want to, Mr. 
Smith, but Kitty shall not take part in the entertainment. 

{Door-bell rings. Cath. ope?is door.} 

Cath. Come in ! 

Enter Mrs. Reginald de Lacey, a smartly dressed society 
matron of forty, Lord Ferdinand Rainscourt, a suave- 
mannered Englishman of forty, and Jean de Lacey, an 
athletic type of girl of twenty -o?ie. 

Mrs. de L. Really, we beg pardon for this intrusion. We 
feared we'd all be late to rehearsal if Mr. Garland and Miss 
Smith didn't soon come. 

Lord R. I told Mrs. de Lacey that you would be along 
directly, Garland, old chap. 

Jean. They're both fibbing, Mr. Garland. Ma said your 
story of a young lady you'd never met sounded fishy; and 
Lord Ferdy 

Mrs. de L. Jeanne, ma chere, do hold your tongue ! Pay 
no attention to Jeanne, good Mrs. — Mrs. 

Mrs. S. {winningly). Smith ! 

Mrs. de L. Mrs. Smith. It's her way of trying to appear 
odd. I am Mrs. Reginald de Lacey. {Shakes hands with 
Mrs. S., holding hand quite high.) Allow me to present Lord 
Rainscourt to you. 

(Lord R, shakes hands as did Mrs. de L.) 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 1J 

Jean (has crossed to Smith). These people seem to amuse 
you almost as much as they do me. I suppose you are Mr. 
Smith ? Jean de Lacey's my name. Ma calls me Jeanne to be 
swell. 

Smith. Glad to meet you, I'm sure. 

(Reaches up to shake hands as others have done.) 

Jean. Down here, if you please, a little nearer the earth. 
The good old American handshake for me every time ! 
(Shakes hands.) I'm not popular, though, in our set. 

Smith. Then, when the others of your set call, I shall not 
be at home to them. 

Jean (laughing). You are there with the wit, all right. 
Let's shake again ! 

(They do so. Cath. exits, l.) 

Mrs. de L. So glad that you have reconsidered your de- 
cision, Mrs. Smith. We will only keep her a few minutes to- 
night. After rehearsal we will bring her home in our car. 

Mrs. S. It's very kind of you. (Cath. reenters l., with 
wraps.) Hurry, Kitty dear ! Don't keep Mrs. de Lacey and 
Lord Rainscourt waiting. 

Cath. I'm ready. (Goes to Smith.) Good-bye, father. 

(Kisses him.) 
Smith. Good-bye. 

Jean (putting arm around Cath.). I'll take care of her. 
Smith. I'm sure you will. 

{After bidding the Smiths good-bye, Mrs. de L., Lord R., 
Gar., Jean and Cath. exeunt.) 

Mrs. S. Will wonders never cease ? 

Smith. If you allude to Kitty's entri into select church cir- 
cles I must remind you that you did all in your power to op- 
pose it. 

Mrs. S. When I said what I did to Mr. Garland I had not 
the slightest idea that he had reference to leading members of 
the smart set. 

Smith. I am well aware you hadn't. 

Mrs. S. Just think of it, I was reading about the de Laceys 
and Lord Rainscourt in the society journal not half an hour 
ago. (Door-bell rings.) Kitty must have forgotten something. 
It's just like her. 



1 8 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

{Opens door. Adam Mertens, a tall, lean, dark-skinned 
man of forty, with piercing eyes, accompanied by a half- 
dozen roughly-dressed me?i, is discovered at the door.) 

Mert. We are expected, I believe ? 

Mrs. S. You must have made a mistake. Why, we 

Smith. Friend of mine, my dear. Come in, sir. Come 

right in ! 

Enter Mert. , followed by his companions. 

Mrs. S. (to Smith). Who are these awful looking people? 
Smith. I know only one of them. I will introduce you. 
Mrs. S. You will do nothing of the kind. 

(Exit, r. Stands at door and holds it partly ajar.) 

Smith. Mr. Mertens, it's a great pleasure to have you with 
me to-night. 

Mert. The pleasure is mutual, sir. These are brothers 
whom I have taken the liberty of bringing with me. I will 
not consume valuable time by introducing them to you sepa- 
rately. This is Mr. Smith, brothers. 

(The men bow to Smith, and he to them.) 
Smith. Be seated, gentlemen, be seated. 

(The men seat themselves in six dining-room chairs, which 
are in a row, b. c. Mert. sits l. c. Smith, r.) 

Mert. Mr. Smith was an interested listener at our meeting 
this afternoon. At his request we have assembled here to 
further instil into his mind the great truths we, ourselves, have 
learned and treasure. 

Socialists. We hope Mr. Smith will become one of us. 

Mrs. S. (from half -open door, r.). May I speak to you a 
moment, Mr. Smith? 

Smith. Certainly, my love. (Goes to her.) 

Mrs. S. You fool you, what do you mean by this outrage? 
What will the de Laceys think when they return and find the 
house filled with ruffians ? 

Smith. On my honor, Maria, I invited only Mertens to the 
house. ^ I never dreamed that he'd bring the whole menagerie 
with him. They are sure to go in a few minutes, 

{fiesumes place ) fc,) 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION IQ. 

Mert. {taking out watch). We will spend the first hour 
of the time that we have allotted to you in reviewing the his- 
tory of Socialism from its beginning, through its various vicis- 
situdes, down to the present time. 

Smith {aside). Help ! Help ! 

Mert. The second hour we will devote to 

Mrs. S. {from door). Just one moment, please, Mr. Smith ! 

Smith {going to her). What is it now, Maria? 

Mrs. S. You brazen idiot ! Are you, or are you not, going 
to rid this house of those creatures ? If not, say so, and I 
will call the police, turn in the fire-alarm, or do something 
equally desperate ! 

Mert. We are wasting valuable time. 

Smith. Maria, I hope I may die if I ever dreamed this 
would happen. I invited Mertens here to have a little talk 
with him. Don't you see how it is? What am I to do? 

Mrs. S. I don't care what you do, but if those men are 
not out of there in five minutes I'll insult them to their 
faces ! {Slams door.) 

Mert. Shall we proceed ? 

Smith. I — I — yes, go ahead ! 

Mert. Well, then, Socialism had its beginning away 
back 

Smith. If you will pardon me, Mr. Mertens, I am not in- 
terested in the past, nor the future. What interests me is the 
present. The living, breathing, hustling, bustling present. 

Mert. Look at the present, then, and what do we see? 
On the one hand, Capital, greedy, grasping, soulless ! Its one 
thought, one object, one desire : increased dividends. On the 
other, men and women who toil, struggle, and die, that others 
of their kind may recline in the pampered lap of fortune ! 

Smith. You are wrong to call Capital, as a whole, greedy, 
grasping, soulless. There are men, with millions at their backs, 
who are beginning to feel a faint inkling of moral responsibility 
for the welfare of their less fortunate brothers. As evidence 
of the fact, look at our endowed libraries, colleges and uni- 
versities, to say nothing of industrial pensions and mutual 
dividend sharing corporations. 

Mert. Self-advertisement, self-aggrandizement, love of no- 
toriety ! It is a far cry from those questionable donations to 
the time when the rich will freely give of their ill-gotten for- 
tunes to make life less burdensome to the serfs of this nation. 
No, the opposite is true : wealth is being concentrated more 



20 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

and more in the hands of the few to the detriment of the many. 
{Door -bell rings. A socialist goes quietly to door and opens 
it, admitting H. A. Vanderlip, an ordinary looking man of 
fifty, who enters quietly, leaving the door afar.') In proof of 
this, look at the combinations and consolidations taking place 
in big business on every hand. The oil trust, steel trust, 
tobacco trust, harvester trust, and countless other trusts. The 
whole force of our Federal Government is unable to success- 
fully dissolve them ! 

Smith. Yes, but the biggest trust is yet to come ! A trust 
whose lofty purpose and high aim shall be the abolishment of 
human poverty and misery from the face of the earth forever ! 
I feel that it must come. I see that it will come. But I have 
not the means to father the principle and set the wheels in 
motion. If I had a million, oh, if I only had a million I'd 
set an example that, if followed, would shake this old Mother 
Earth from stem to stern. All I'd ask for myself would be 
such a place as this in which to live, enough to eat, and enough 
to wear. The residue I'd gladly give, without thought of rec- 
ompense, toward promoting the peace and happiness of the 
lowly and downtrodden ! 

Mert. Are you sure you could live up to your high ideals ? 

Smith. As God is my judge, if I only had a million I 
swear 

Van. Stop ! I am H. A. Vanderlip, of Nome, Alaska, ex- 
ecutor of your Uncle Henry's estate. He is dead and has left 
you a million ! 

Smith. Je-hos-e-phat ! {Recoils, dumbfounded.) 

Enter Mrs. S., r., hastily. 

Mrs. S. The five minutes are up ! Why, what's the 
matter ? 

Van. Your husband's uncle is dead and has left him a 
million. 

Mrs. S. Thank God ! 

Smith. She means, "Poor Uncle Henry." 

Enter Ed., l. b. 

Ed. Mother wants to know if Kitty is coming down ? 
Mrs. S. {drawing herself very erect ). Tell her our daugh- 
ter Catherine will not be down to-night. 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — J. Watterson Smythe's drawing-room. Elabo- 
rate furnishings. Arched entrance, b. c. Door, L. 2 e. 
Door, R. 2 e. Another arched entrance at r. back, disclos- 
ing a portion of music-room, in which are a baby-grand 
piano and two settees, r. and L. 

(At rise of curtain, Jean is seated at piano playing accom- 
paniment for Cath., who is singing. Lord R. is seated 
on settee l., Mrs. de L. on settee, r. William, an Eng- 
lish servant, and Nannette, a French servant, are stand- 
ing at b. c. of drawi?ig-room. At the conclusion of Cath. 's 
song Lord R. and Mrs. de L. applaud. Jean turns on 
piano stool a?id faces them for a moment and then re- 
sumes playing, as Lord R. hands Cath. to settee l. and 
engages her in conversation.} 

Nan. Miss Catherine has one splendeed voice, eh, Mistair 
Willum? 

Will. Hi fawncey so. 'Is Lordship appears a bit en- 
trawnced with her singin'. Bye the bye, Nannette, 'ow much 
longer's this 'ouse-party to run ? 

Nan. Two weeks more, madam say. Zen we all go to 
England. (Mrs. de L. rises and goes to Jean and speaks to 
her.) Eet may be zat hees Lordship gets married to Miss 
Catherine and we stay zere all ze time. 

Will. Hi 'ope so. 'Aving 'is Lordship for a son-in-law'd 
lend tremenjous distinction to th' family, tremenjous. 

(Jean rises from piano stool.) 

Nan. Ze chef tells me zat zey have only lately come eento 
zeir money. 

Will. So Hi was told by th' chauffeur and th' second-girl. 

(Mrs. de L. and Jean go toward drawing-room.') 
Nan. Hush, zey come ! [Exit, quickly, B. c. 

(Mrs. de L. and Jean enter the drawing-room.) 
Jean. What is it, mother ? 

21 



22 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Mrs. de L. William, please look for my scarf. I think I 
left it somewhere in the garden. (Will, exits, b. c.) Are you 
really so stupid ? I merely wanted to leave Catherine and 
Lord Rainscourt together. 

Jean. But I don't want to leave them together. 

Mrs. de L. Is it possible that you have at last awakened to 
your own lost opportunity ? 

Jean. Nonsense! I wouldn't have Lord Ferdy if he were 
a king. Catherine is already engaged. That is my reason. 

Mrs. de L. Her affair with that Dugan boy was bad enough 
when the Smythes were in straightened circumstances. Now, 
it is absurd. You don't know Mrs. Smythe if you think she 
will permit it. 

Jean. And you evidently don't know Catherine, if you 
think she can be influenced against Eddie. 

Mrs. de L. We shall see. However, you may as well un- 
derstand my position in the matter : I haven't taken these peo- 
ple up through any mistaken impulse of affection. 

Jean. I'm well aware of it. I know, too, that our stay 
here is very convenient for father's pocketbook, to say nothing 
of the commission you made on the sale of this house. 

Mrs. de L. Sh ! you may be heard. Who told you about 
that? 

Jean. A little bird. He told me something else besides. 

Mrs. de L. There was nothing else to tell. 

Jean. Oh, yes, there was : the sale of our worn-out auto- 
mobiles to Mr. Smythe at treble their worth. 

Mrs. de L. Business is business, Jeanne. Nobody would 
expect me to boost this family up the social ladder gratis. 
Your father is in a dreadful tight place. I must help him all I 
can. 

Jean. That's why I've held my peace. But you mustn't 
go too far. Catherine's love affair doesn't concern us. 

Mrs. de L. It concerns us most of all. 

Jean. In what way ? 

Mrs. de L. Mrs. Smythe has promised to induce Mr. 
Smythe to invest a hundred thousand dollars with your father 
if I can bring about Catherine's marriage to Lord Rainscourt. 

Jean. I suspected something of the kind. It's wrong, dead 
wrong ! I want to tell you right now that I shall do everything 
I can to oppose it ! (Goes b. c.) 

Mrs. de L. Where are you going ? 

Jean. Out in the garden to the summer-house. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 23 

{Exit, b. c. Mrs. de L. exits, r.) 

Cath. (rising). I can prove I'm right by Mrs. de Lacey. 
Lord R. (risi?ig). I am sure she will side with me. 

Enter Cath., followed by Lord R. 

Cath. She is not here. But, anyhow, George Washington 
was a greater general than Wellington. 

Lord R. I am quite willing to admit it under the circum- 
stances. 

Cath. What circumstances? 

Lord R. The fact, ah — that we're alone, and that I have 
something more important to say to you. 

Cath. {after a pause). Well? 

Lord R. Really, I fear that I may appear too abrupt. 
Would you — could you — I know I am going to make a deuced 
mess of it ! 

Cath. Of what? 

Lord R. Of asking you to become my wife. (Cath. laughs.') 
Funny, isn't it ? (Cath. laughs. \uOKD^k., vexed.) There's 
a limit, though, even to a joke. 

Cath. I beg your pardon; I didn't mean to be rude. 

Lord R. I fail to see a reason for levity. 

Cath. Are you really in earnest? 

Lord R. Never was more so in all my life. My future 
happiness depends upon your answer. 

Enter Will., b. c, carrying Mrs. de L.'s scarf. 

Will. Mrs. de Lacey sent me to fetch 'er scarf. 

Cath. She's been looking everywhere for it. I'll take it 
to her, William. (Takes scarf.) You will excuse me, Lord 
Rainscourt. [Exi*, r. 

Will. Is there anything I can do for your Lordship? 

Lord R. Yes. You can go to the devil ! (Will, exits has- 
tily, b. c.) The blithering ass to enter so inopportunely. 
(Paces up and down.) Too bad, too bad. Beastly unfor- 
tunate, beastly ! 

Enter Mrs. de L., r., scarf on arm. 

Mrs. de L. What luck ? 

Lord R. You probably know better than I~I see you have 
your scarf. 
Mrs. de L. I sent William for it. 



24 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Lord R. He returned at the critical moment. 

Mrs. de L. Before you proposed ? 

Lord R. Immediately afterward. 

Mrs. de L. What was Catherine's answer? 

Lord R. That you were in a desperate hurry for your scarf, 
and that she would take it to you. 

Mrs. deL. Well, at least she didn't refuse you. You have that 
much in your favor. (Smith and Mrs. S. are heard talking 
off b. c.) The Smythes have returned ! Come with me into 
the garden and we'll talk matters over. 

(Mrs. de L., followed by Lord R., exits through music- 
room.} 

Enter Smith and Mrs. S., b. c, followed by Will, and Nats. 

Smith. Home again, home again, jiggety-jog ! Gee, but 
I'm tired ! 

{Gives top-coat and hat to Will., who exits b. c.) 

Mrs. S. I'm not a bit tired. The matinee was simply fine ! 
(Gives wraps to Nan.) Where are all of our guests, Nan- 
nette ? 

Nan. Mrs. de Lacey ees in her room. Miss Jeanne ees in 
ze summer-house. Hees Lordship and Miss Catherine air 
tete a-t6te somewhere, I tink. '[Exit, b. c. 

Mrs. S. Good ! 

Smith. What is ? 

Mrs. S. That our friends are enjoying themselves. 

Smith. That's more than I have been doing the past three 
hours. I never want to sit in a box so near the stage again at 
an opera. That fellow with the red sash 

Mrs. S. Don't say "that fellow," Watterson. That was 
the celebrated Mosconi. 

Smith. Whoever he was, he all but broke my ear-drums. 
My head is still ringing. 

Mrs. S. Did you notice the lady with yellow plumes in her 
hat who sat in the box opposite ours ? 

Smith. I don't believe I did, Maria. 

Mrs. S. Now, there you go again, calling me Maria. You 
are hopeless ! 

Smith. There's no use in my trying to remember. I'm 
sick of it. It's bad enough for me to have to answer to the 
name of Watterson, but you must change our surname to 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 25 

Smythe, call Kitty Catherine, and yourself Marie. I don't 
feel real. I feel like I was impersonating somebody else. 

Mrs. S. Honestly, now, don't you think thaty. Waiter son 
Smythe sounds better than just plain John VV. Smith? 

Smith. J. Waiter son may sound better than John W., but 
Smythe I detest. Why not call us Smudge and be done with it ? 

Mrs. S. If Mrs. de Lacey is to be of assistance to us we 
must take her advice in everything. Through her we have al- 
ready received invitations to some of the functions of the smart 
set. That lady with the yellow plumes was Mrs. Martin- 
Brown-Martin. Mrs. de Lacey is going to ask her to call on 
us now that we have our house, and servants, and autos, and 
everything. 

Smith. Mighty little good our autos are doing us. They've 
been in the repair shop ever since we bought them. I wish I'd 
bought new ones instead of letting Mrs. de Lacey introduce me 
to that second-hand dealer. 

Mrs. S. Well, please don't tell her so. I wouldn't have 
her feelings hurt for the world. Think of the trouble she went 
to to find us this house. 

Smith. Oh, I won't say anything to her about it. 

Enter Will., b. c. 

Will. Reverend Edward Evanston Garland to see you, sir. 

Mrs. S. What brings him here ? 

Smith. I wonder if what I said to him about furnishing 
him with a mission fund could have brought him ? Show him 
in, William. \_Exit Will., b. c. 

Mrs. S. You've been talking to him about giving him 
money ? 

Smith. Now, don't get excited, Marie. It was that night 
in the Dugan flat, before I even knew I had a dollar. 

Mrs. S. Well, you are not to give him a penny, not a 
penny ! Do you understand ? 

Smith. All right, I won't. 

Mrs. S. I'll go ask Mrs. de Lacey how much we ought to 
see of him. [Exit, r. 

Smith. She'll be asking Mrs. de Lacey how much she 
ought to see of me next. (Will, ushers in Gar., b. c, and 
exits.") Why, how do you do, Mr. Garland ? I'm certainly 
glad to see you again ! (Shakes hands with him.') 

Gar. And I to see you. I trust the ladies are enjoying 
good health ? 



26 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Smith. Excellent. My wife has gone to notify Mrs. de 
Lacey that you are here. 

Gar. Indeed ? I didn't know that Mrs. de Lacey was 
stopping with you. I will be delighted to see her. Is — 
ahem !— Miss Jean here, also ? 

Smith. Yes. Be seated, Mr. Garland 

(Gar. sits l. Smith, r.) 

Gar. Mr. Smith, I have called to mind, frequently, our 
conversation of a month ago. I've come to have a heart to 
heart talk with you. 

Smith. Yes, yes, our conversation about your — er — work. 

Gar. You expressed such an interest in it, and promised 
such liberal support should you ever acquire wealth, that I feel 
no hesitancy in laying before you a plan that will require only 
twenty thousand dollars to put it into effect, and that will be 
the means of 

Smith. Yes, yes, I will be very glad to discuss it with you, 
but at some future time. I have spent so much money the past 
month that I can't see my way clear to do anything for you at 
present. Take the matter up with me later, Mr. Garland. 

Enter Mrs. de L. through music-room followed by Mrs. S. 

Mrs. de L. This is a pleasant surprise, Mr. Garland. 

Gar. {shaking hands'). Thank you. 

Mrs. S. How do you do, Mr. Garland 1 So glad to see 
you. (Shakes hands.) 

Mrs. de L. Where have you been keeping yourself? 

Gar. In my study, or on the go, most of the time. 

Mrs. S. Can't you spend a week or two with us and 
rest up? 

Gar. Thank you very much, but my work makes it im- 
possible. (Jean enters b. c.) How do you do, Miss Jean? 

(Shakes hands with her warmly.') 

Jean. Fine as a fiddle ! I've been wanting to see you for 
some time. How is the Mission ? 

Mrs. de L. Jeanne, take Mr. Garland into the music-room 
where he can get a view of the garden. It is really wonderful 
for this season of the year. (Jean and Gar. exit.) Mrs. 
Smythe told me the object of Mr. Garland's visit. I thought 
he might get back to the subject of donations. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 27 

Mrs. S. You'd better beat a retreat, Watterson, while you 
can. 

Smith. Thank you both ; I believe I will. [Exit, l. 

Mrs. S. Now finish telling me about Lord Rainscourt. 

Mrs. de L. He said that Catherine simply laughed at 
him. 

Mrs. S. The little goose ! 

Mrs. de L. I learned from Jeanne that Catherine still con- 
siders herself engaged to that grocery-boy. 

Mrs. S. She does, does she ? We shall see about that. 
It is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous ! I hope that you under- 
stand such a thing is impossible. 

Mrs. de L. Well, as I told Lord Rainscourt, she hasn't 
refused him yet. He has that much in his favor. 

Mrs. S. I will go to her and see if she has anything to 
confide to me. 

Mrs. de L. I will return to the disconsolate one. 

(Mrs. S. exits r. Mrs. de L. exits b. c.) 
Enter Jean a?id Gar. from music-room. 

Gar. I must confess that I am completely mystified. Do 
explain. 

Jean. Here it is in a nutshell : mother is boosting the 
Smiths socially. Hence their change of name. Smythe, in 
mother's opinion, is patrician. Smith, plebeian. 

Gar. And Lord Rainscourt's presence here? 

Jean. A conspiracy on the part of mother and Mrs. Smythe 
to marry him to Catherine. 

Gar. I'm so glad ! 

Jean. Glad ? When you know Catherine doesn't love him ? 

Gar. I've been afraid for weeks that he was going to marry 
you. 

Jean. Oh ! (Pause.) Why were you afraid? 

Gar. It's sink or swim now ! Jean, you are not exactly 
the type of girl that a minister's congregation would select for 
him, but 

Jean. Thanks for the compliment. 

Gar. But — but — but 

Jean. Are you addressing an invisible goat? 

Gar. No, I'm trying to tell you that you're the most fasci- 
nating, most bewitching, most lovable girl I know, and I — I 
want you for my wife. (Holds out arms to her.) Will you, 
jean ? 



28 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Jean. Yes. 

Gar. {embracing her). I am wildly, blissfully, ecstatically 
happy. {Kisses her.) 

Jean. So am I. 

Gar. Dear me ! {Looks at watch.) 

Jean. What is it ? 

Gar. I'm due at a social- workers' meeting in fifteen min- 
utes. I'm down for a speech. 

Jean. May I go with you ? 

Gar. Yes. 

Jean. Then come on ; my hat and wraps are in the hall. 

\_Exit, b. c, followed by Gar. 

Enter Will., b. c. \ crosses to door, l., and knocks. Smith 
opens door, l. 

Will. Mr. Eddie Dugan to see you, sir. 

Smith. Show him in. {Comes to c. Will, exits B. c.) I 
wonder how much money I owe that young man. (Will. 
shoius Ed. in, and exits b. c.) How are you, Eddie, my boy, 
and how is your mother ? 

Ed. We are both well, thank you. 

Smith. I suppose you came to see me about that money I 
owe you ? 

Ed. Yes, sir. I've been offered a stock of groceries at a 
bargain. The stand is a good one. I thought if it was con- 
venient for you to pay me I'd buy it and go into business for 
myself. 

Smith. How much do I owe you ? 

Ed. Six hundred and twenty-five dollars. 

Smith {taking- out check-book). Come into the library and 
I'll write you a check. 

Enter Mrs. S., r. 

Ed, Good-evening, Mrs. Smith. 

Mrs. S. {icily). Good-evening, Mr. Dugan. 

Smith {nervously). My dear, Eddie has come to consult 
me about a grocery store he's thinking of buying. We were 
just going into the library to talk it over. You will excuse us. 

[Exit, l., followed by Ed. 

Mrs. S. Watterson's check-book was in his hand. That 
boy has come here to borrow money. He shall not have it ! 

{Goes toward door, L.) 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 



Enter Mrs. de L., through music-room. 



29 



Mrs. de L. Mrs. Smythe ! 

Mrs. S. Yes? {To c.) 

Mrs. de L. Lord Rainscourt is extremely blue. Did Cath- 
erine have anything to say? 

Mrs. S. Not one word. 

Mrs. de L. Possibly our trip abroad will cure her of her 
infatuation. Surely her love for Eddie Dugan is nothing more. 

Mrs. S. Not so loud. He is in the library 

Mrs. de L. Who is ? 

Mrs. S. Eddie Dugan. He came to borrow money of 
Mr. Smythe. I was just going in there to tell Watterson not 
to lend him any. 

Mrs. de L. Wait a moment ! Let me think. (Pause.*) 
Why not send for Catherine and make her believe that he has 
got into some trouble and is borrowing money to get out of it? 

Mrs. S. He would nullify that by telling her that he is 
going into business and borrowed the money for that purpose. 
Mr. Smythe would substantiate it. 

Mrs. de L. I feel certain that this is the opportune moment 
to estrange them. Try it. If it doesn't work you can say you 
overheard a part of Mr. Smy trie's and Eddie's conversation 
and misunderstood. I'll send Catherine to you. (Goes to 
door, r.) Make it strong ! [Exit, R. 

Mrs. S. (pacing back and forth in nervous meditation ; 
aside). I must make it strong. (Her face suddenly brightens.) 
I have it, — another woman ! (Reflects.) If it doesn't pan out 
right I can say that I heard it on what I believed to be good 
authority, and that I promised not to tell who told me. 

Enter Cath., r. Mrs. S. assumes worried expression and 
wrings her hands, pacing nervously about. 

Cath. Mrs. de Lacey said Why, what's the matter, 

mother ? What has happened ? 

Mrs. S. Don't speak so loud, my child. I — I — a dreadful 
thing has happened. Eddie Dugan has got into trouble over a 
— yes, you must know it sooner or later — over a girl, and has 
had to resign his position at the store. 

Cath. I can't believe it. I — I — it isn't true ! 

Mrs. S. He has just told your father so himself. 

Cath. Where is Eddie ? 



30 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Mrs. S. In the library borrowing money from your father 
in order to marry the girl. 

Cath. I won't believe it. It's not true ! (The library 
door , l., opens and Ed., with check in hand, followed by Smith, 
enters.) It isn't true, Eddie, that you are going to — that you 
have quit your place at the store and are going to — to 

Ed. {hastily putting check in pocket ; is confused for fear 
that Mrs. S. has seen check, and that the matter of his loan to 
Smith will be inquired into'). I thought it the best thing to do 
under the circumstances. 

Cath. Yes, I suppose so. 

Ed. Mother speaks of you so often. Won't you try to 
come to see her soon ? 

Cath. I won't be able to. I— I — I am getting ready to go 
to England. 

Mrs. S. That reminds me, Catherine, your new hats have 
arrived. Come and let me see you try them on. Good-bye, 
Mr. Dugan. 

Ed. Good-bye, Mrs. Smith. 

Cath. Good-bye, Eddie. (Gives him her hand.) I hope 
you may be happy and — and successful. 

[Exit slowly r., followed by Mrs. S. 

Smith. I am afraid Mrs. Smith saw that check. 

Ed. I saw her look at it, and I put it in my pocket as 
quickly as I could. You can tell her you made me a loan if 
you want to. 

Smith. Maybe I will. Well, good-bye, Eddie. (Shakes 
hands.) Remember me kindly to your mother. 

Ed. Thank you, I will. [Exit, b. c. 

Smith. I wonder what could have been the matter with 
Catherine. She appeared down-hearted about something. 
(Cath. enters R.) You haven't tried on your new hats al- 
ready ? 

Cath. No. Mother was mistaken. They hadn't come. 
Father, what did Eddie want with you ? 

Smith (embarrassed). Why, he — he came to see me about 
a confidential matter. Please don't ask me any more about it 
or I'll have to tell you a fib. It would embarrass me greatly 
to have to tell you the true reason for Eddie's visit. (Cath. 
is crestfallen.) Now, don't be angry with me. (Cath. goes 
b. r.) Where are you going? 

Cath. (decisively). To join Lord Rainscourt in the garden. 

[Exit through music-room. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 3 1 

Smith. Her mother sent her to interview me about Eddie's 
visit. I'll never be able to write a check without accounting 
for every penny of it. What's the good of having money if I 
can't spend it to suit myself? 

E filer Mrs. S., r. 

Mrs. S. Where is Catherine? 

Smith. In the garden with Lord Rainscourt. 

Mrs. S. Did she ask you about Eddie ? 

Smith. Yes. 

Mrs. S. What did you tell her? 

Smith. That the matter he came to see me about was con- 
fidential. What is the matter with Catherine ? She doesn't 
look well. 

Mrs. S. Lord Rainscourt has asked her to marry him. 

Smith. Well, I'll be damned ! 

Mrs. S. Watterson ! 

Smith. I beg your pardon. 

Mrs. S. Catherine is, naturally, excited over such a pro- 
posal. An opportunity like it is not offered every girl. 

Smith. Has she accepted him ? 

Mrs. S. Not yet. She must have ample time to consider. 

Smith. Sure she must. She's still in her teens. There's 
no hurry. 

Mrs. S. There you are wrong. Lord Rainscourt is not a 
man to be trifled with. It would be a brilliant match. Our 
social position would be assured. I think Catherine will ac- 
cept him. 

Smith. I guess the papers would be full of it, and I would 
attract considerable attention as the bride's father. Well, if 
she wants to marry him, I'm willing. 

Mrs. S. Thank you, Watterson. I knew you'd be sensible. 

{Kisses him on forehead.) 
Enter Will., b. c. Presents card on tray. 

Smith (reading). "Mr. Adam Mertens." Now, what can 
he want of me ? 

Mrs. S. The name sounds familiar. Who is he ? 

Smith. The socialist you threatened to all but assassinate 
that night in the Dugan flat. 

Mrs. S. I remember him. 



3a IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Smith. I suppose he wants me to contribute a few dollars 
to the propaganda. 

Mrs. S. It was well enough for you to let Eddie Dugan 
have that money ; we were, in a way, under obligations to him 
and his mother, but I draw the line at those socialists. If 
you'll promise not to give that man any money I'll let you see 
him alone. Otherwise I stay right here ! 

Smith. Show the gentleman in, William. (Will, exits, 
b. c.) You may leave me, my dear, and, as evidence of my 
good faith, you may take my check-book with you. 

(Gives her his check-book.) 

Mrs. S. When Catherine is married to Lord Rainscourt you 
will find that we'll need every dollar we possess to maintain our 
social position. Then you'll thank me for having interfered in 
these matters. [Exit, R. 

Smith. I have heard somewhere that lords make expensive 
sons-in-law. (Mert. is shown in b. c. by Will.) Glad to see 
you, Mertens. Have a seat. 

(Will, exits, b. c. Mert. sits l. Smith, r.) 

Mert. You are doubtless aware of the object of my visit, 
brother Smith ? 

Smith. Can't say that I am. 

Mert. Then I will come to the point at once : I called to 
ask when you propose to put your beautiful philanthropic theo- 
ries into practice ? 

Smith. Why, I — I 

Mert. And to suggest that this magnificent abode is hardly 
in keeping with them. 

Smith (nervously). No, of course it isn't. But, Mr. Mer- 
tens, you see — the fact is — the fact is 

Mert. The fact is you found you could not live up to your 
high ideals. 

Smith. There were unforeseen obstacles. But I still believe, 
if given the means, that I could put my theories into practice. 

Mert. The means ? Then your uncle's fortune was less 
than you were led to suppose ? 

Smith. No. On the contrary, it was more. About a mil- 
lion and a half. Just enough to get along on comfortably. 
You mustn't judge me too harshly. If I only had ten million 
I—— 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 33 

Mert. {rising). Greed, greed, greed ! So it is always. 
The more we have the more we want. Our thirst for gold, and 
more gold, is msatiable. I hoped that you might prove an ex- 
ception to the damnable rule. But no. There's a hell-taint 
on the dollars of the rich that blackens and corrodes their souls. 

{Paces up and down lost in thought.) 

Smith (after a pause). I'll think it over, and — and com- 
municate with you later. 

Mert. You want me to go 

Smith. No, no, I 

Mert. And I will. (To b. c.) But I warn you that you 
may look for that to befall you which, inevitably, befalls the 
man who promises to follow a given line of action, and who 
deliberately, through self-interest, pursues another ! 

[Exit, b. c. 

Smith. I wonder what he meant by something befalling me ? 
I hope he has no anarchistic tendencies. I'll persuade Maria 
■ — I mean Marie — to let me give away a few thousands, at 
least. (Pushes call-bell button.) I don't like the way Mer- 
tens looked about the eyes when he delivered me that farewell 
warning. (Nan. enters, b. c, in answer to the bell.) Tell 
your mistress I would like to see her. 

Nan. Oui, monsieur. [Exit, R. 

Enter Lord R., through music-room. 

Lord R. Ah ! glad to find you alone, Mr. Smythe. Miss 
Catherine has just honored me by accepting my proposal of 
marriage, and — ah — I have come to ask your consent. 

Smith. Where Catherine's happiness is concerned I have 
no objection to offer, Lord Rainscourt. (Shakes hands.) 

Lord R. Thank you very much. I will return to her and 
acquaint her with your very generous answer to me. Thank 
you again, very kindly. [Exit through music-room. 

Smith. So endeth my last hope of becoming a philanthro- 
pist. Or, rather, so beginneth it. For, if I mistake not, his 
Lordship will require large and frequent donations. 

Enter Mrs. S., r. 

Mrs. S. What do you want ? 

Smith. Lord Rainscourt has just asked me for Catherine. 

Mrs. S. She has accepted him ? 



34 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Smith. Yes. (Meditates.} 

Mrs. S. Splendid ! We will set the wedding for two weeks 
from to-day. Then we can all sail for England as planned. It 
will be their honeymoon trip. I must go to Catherine at once. 
(Goes to music-room archway. Turns.} The papers will be 
full of it. What is the matter, Watterson ? Are you dis- 
pleased about anything? 

Smith. No, indeed ! (Smiles.') I was just thinking that 
a little Rainscourt for a grandson would suit me to a tee ! 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE.— Same setting as Act II 

(At rise of curtain. Will, is discovered up stage. Nan. 
enters, l., with armful of parcels ; crosses to door, r.) 

Will. Nannette ! 

Nan. Eh, Mistair Willum ? 

Will. Wat's your 'urry? 

Nan. You ask me zat, w'en you know I haf seex more of 
ze beeg trunks to pack for madam ? Eet ees easy for you, wif 
nozing to do but ansair ze door-bell and receive ze parcels. 
Poor leetle me must haf evairzing put in ze trunks, ready for ze 
morrow. 

Will. You'll have plenty of time to rest after to-morrer. 
W'en th' weddin's hover and we're all aboard ship bound for 
hold Hengland. 'Tis many a sad day sence Hi set foot on my 
native soil. Hi'm that 'appy Hi can't 'ardly contain myself! 

Nan. Zat ees more zan Mistair Smyfe ees. 

Will. 'Is 'appiness is clouded by thoughts o' givin' 'is 
dorter away. But once th' weddin's hover 'e'll be th' jolliest 
o' th' lot. Hit's alius that way. 

Nan. I tink eet ees ze lettairs he gets zat make heem 
unhappy. 

Mrs. S. (off r.). Nannette ! 

Nan. Oui, madam, I come ! [Exit, R. 

Will. Hit may be th' letters. Mr. Smythe does get ter- 
rible upset w'en 'e reads 'em. \_Exit, B. c. 

Enter Jean, from music-room. Looks cautiously around. 
Goes quickly to center-table and places letter thereon. 
Exit, b. c. 

Enter Mrs. de L. and Mrs. S., r. 

Mrs. de L. Everybody that amounts to anything will be 
there. I have it from Mrs. Martin-Brown-Martin herself. 

Mrs. S. The papers have been more than kind. Not a 
word has been said about our sudden rise to — to affluence. 

35 



36 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Mrs. de L. That's because they know nothing of your past 
environment. I have taken particular pains to let it appear 
that we have known you always. 

Mrs. S. I don't see how we should have managed without 
you. If it were not for Mr. Smythe's condition of mind, I 
would feel certain that everything will go off in apple-pie order 
to-morrow. 

Mrs. de L. Those letters are the work of some crank. He 
is foolish to let them worry him. Every family is similarly 
annoyed at some time or other. Get him to make that invest- 
ment with Mr. de Lacey and he will have something else to 
occupy his mind. 

Mrs. S. I will. Would you mind ringing up those florists 
again ? It won't do any harm to keep jogging them up. 

Mrs. de L. I'll attend to it right away. \_Exit, L. 

Enter Smith, pale and worried, from music-room. 

Mrs. S. Mrs. de Lacey says you are foolish to let yourself 
worry about those letters. They are undoubtedly the work 
of some crank. 

Smith. I can't help it. I am beginning to believe that I 
know their author. 

Mrs. S. Whom do you suspect ? 

Smith. One of those socialists Mertens brought to see me 
that night. Or Mertens himself. 

Mrs. S. Nonsense. You've seen Mertens since then. You 
told me his visit was pleasant enough. 

Smith. I have been thinking of something he said as he 
was leaving. At the time it made very little impression 
upon me. 

Mrs. S. What did he say? 

Smith. I can't recall his exact words. It was about some- 
thing befalling me. 

Mrs. S. You should have told me this before. 

Smith. I didn't want to frighten you. 

Mrs. S. Well, please, on no account say anything to Lord 
Rainscourt, Catherine, or Jeanne about it. We have kept 
them entirely ignorant of the whole matter. It would never do 
to get them all upset. 

Smith. I have not said a word to them. Possibly the 
servants have. 

Mrs. S. No. I have attended to that. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 37 

Smith. I have received one of those letters every day since 
Catherine's engagement, except to-day. Why have they 
skipped to-day? 

Mrs. S. Probably because the writer has become con- 
vinced that he cannot frighten you. (Smith observes letter on 
table.) Why, what is the matter with you? 

Smith (hoarsely). Look there ! 

Mrs. S. Where? 

Smith. On that table ! It — it — it's number twelve ! 

Mrs. S. Please don't go all to pieces like that, Watterson ! 
I'll find out about it. (Goes to push-button. jRi?igs.) One 
of the servants must have found it in the letter-box. 

Smith. Then why wasn't it brought to me, as were the 
others ? 

Mrs. S. Possibly he thought you were out. Do control 
yourself. (Will, enters b. c.) How came that letter on the 
center-table ? 

Will. Hi 'aven't th' slightest hidea, ma'am. 

Mrs. S. Send Nannette to me ! (Will, crosses to door, r.) 
And, William ! Ask the other servants if they know anything 
about it. 

Will. Yes, ma'am. [Exit, r. 

Mrs. S. Do be calm, Watterson. We shall soon know how 
it came into the house. Open it and see what it says. (Nan. 
enters r.) Nannette, who put that letter on the center-table? 

Nan. I do not know, madam. I deed not. 

Mrs. S. Mrs. de Lacey is in the library. Ask her to come 
here immediately. 

Nan. Oui, madam. [Exit, l. 

(Smith picks up the letter gingerly. Opens it.) 

Enter Will., r. 

Mrs. S. Well ? 

Will. Th' hother servants know nothin' about hit, ma'am. 
Mrs. S. Very well, William, that will do. (Will, exits, 
b. c.) Don't read it, Watterson, until Mrs. de Lacey comes. 

Enter Mrs. de L., l. 

Mrs. de L. What is it, Mrs. Smythe ? 
Mrs. S. Another letter. I wanted you to hear it. Read 
it, Watterson. 



?3 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 



J 



Smith (reading'). " Warning Number Twelve. You have 
paid no heed to my other warnings. Preparations for your 
daughter's marriage to Lord Rainscourt go steadily forward. 
Expect the worst." There's no signature, as usual. It's 
written in the same scrawling hand. My God, it's terrible ! 

Mrs. S. Now, don't get excited, Watterson. 

Smith. Not get excited when I'm warned to expect the 
worst? Not get excited when it's the twelfth time I've been 
told that something awful is going to happen to me? I insist 
on calling in the police ! 

Mrs. de L. Think of the scandal, Mr. Smythe. It would 
never do. 

Mrs. S. No, Watterson. It would never do. 

Smith. But think of me being blown up by a bomb ! The 
writer of those letters is no crank. He's an anarchist ! I've 
got to do something to protect myself! I can stand this dread- 
ful suspense no longer ! This letter didn't come like the rest. 
It was brought into this room by the writer himself. 

Mrs. de L. Is that true ? 

Mrs. S. We found it on the center-table. None of the 
servants know how it got there. 

Mrs. de L. That is serious. 

Smith. Of course it's serious ! It's been serious all the 
time. The hand that placed that letter there could, just as 
easily, have sunk a dirk into my back. I tell you I'm in im- 
minent danger of assassination ! [Exit, L. 

Mrs. de L. Where are those other warnings ? 

Mrs. S. In the library desk. 

Mrs. de L. We must read them again and see what is to 
be done. 

Mrs. S. Do you still believe it the work of a crank ? 

Mrs. de L. I'm afraid not. We must still insist on it to 
Mr. Smythe, though. If we agree with him he will never be 
able to attend the wedding. We can engage a detective agency 
as a safeguard against any emergency that may arise, if you 
think best. 

Mrs. S. That's a good suggestion. 

[Exit, l., with Mrs. de L. 

Enter Jean, b. c, stealthily. Goes to center -table. Notes 
disappeara?ice of letter. Smiles broadly. Crosses cau- 
tiously to door, L. Listens. 

Enter Cath., r. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 



39 



Cath. Jean! (Jean Jumps.) Did I frighten you? 

Jean. Yes, you did. (2oc.) 

Cath. Have you heard from Mr. Garland yet ? (To c.) 

Jean. No. 

Cath. After to-morrow it will be too late. 

Jean. Now, don't get the blues. While there's life there's 
hope. 

Cath. But I can't understand why Eddie should go away 
like that if what mother told me about him was false. 

Jean. Haven't I told you, over and over again, that he was 
so cut-up when he saw the announcement of your marriage in 
the papers that he told his mother that he was going away until 
after the wedding? 

Cath. But suppose Mr. Garland doesn't find him ? 

Jean. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. He'll 
find him, though. More depends on his finding him than you 
know. 

Cath. What does ? 

Jean. That's my secret — and Mr. Garland's. Even if he 
shouldn't, you are not obliged to marry Lord Ferdy. By the 
way, where is your intended ? 

Cath. He's doing some eleventh-hour shopping. If Eddie 
doesn't come I shall have to marry Lord Rainscourt. I could 
never hold out against your mother and mine. Even if he does 
come I don't see how it's going to help matters. I promised 
mother not to marry him without her and father's consent. 

Jean. Didn't I tell you not to worry? To leave everything 
to me ? There are things going on in this house that you know 
nothing about. Hearts are trumps, and I still have the right- 
bower hidden up my sleeve ! 

Enter Will., b. c. 

Will. Mr. Garland to see Miss de Lacey. 
Jean (to Cath.). What did I tell you ? Tell him to come 
here, William. \_Exit Will., b. c. 

Cath. Do you — do you think 

Jean. That he has found Eddie ? Of course he has ! 

E?iter Gar., b. c. 

Cath. Have you found him ? 

Gar. Yes, and I hasten to assure you that there was not a 
word of truth in what your mother told you. 
Cath. Where is he, Mr. Garland ? 



40 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Gar. I thought it best to have him go round to the garden. 
You'll find him in the summer-house. 

(Cath. exits hastily through music-room.} 

Jean. You dear ! (Kisses Gar.) Have you explained 
everything to Eddie ? 

Gar. Yes. And had a deuce of a time convincing him. 

Jean. You are the best fellow in the world. 

Gar. But hardly a discreet minister of the gospel. I fear 
I am a better detective. How have matters progressed here? 

Jean. Ask me no questions and I'll tell no fibs. 

Gar. I don't see how Eddie's presence can simplify mat- 
ters. Catherine is not of age. She would need her parents' 
consent to marry him. They couldn't elope without creating 
all sorts of scandal. 

Jean. Can't you trust me not to do anything that would 
give the Smythes, Lord Ferdy or ourselves any unpleasant no- 
toriety ? 

Gar. But why have you kept me in the dark as to your 
plans ? 

Jean. Because hearts are trumps, and I'm going it alone. 
Now you go to the summer-house and tell Catherine and Eddie 
to stay there until 1 come. Then you wait for me near the con- 
servatory door. 

(Gar. goes to music-room archivay. Jean to door, r.) 

Gar. What about my reward ? 

Jean. You shall have it. 

Gar. To-night? 

Jean. To-night ! 

(Gar. exits through music-room. Jean exits, r.) 

Enter Smith, l. 

Smith. I thought I heard a man's voice say " to-night." 
(Looks cautiously around. Looks o?i center-tabled) It must 
have been the condition of my nerves. [Exit, l. 

(Jean reenters r., with package in her hand. She deposits 
package on center -table. Exits hastily into music-room.) 

Enter Smith, Mrs. S., and Mrs. de L., l. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 4 1 

Mrs. de L. You must take a sensible view of it, Mr. 
Smythe. Weddings, and their attendant publicity, always call 
forth these threatening epistles. 

Mrs. So Mrs. de Lacey is right, Watterson. Do try to get 
your nerves under control. 

Smith. I— I {Observes package on table.) What is 

that on the table ? 

Mrs. S. Just a parcel. Don't alarm yourself. {Picks it 
up.) Mrs. de Lacey ! (Puts down package.) 

Mrs. de L. What is it ? 

Mrs. S. It's addressed to Mr. Smythe in the same hand as 
the warnings ! 

Smith. Good heavens ! It's an infernal machine ! 

(Is overcome.) 

Mrs. de L. It's nothing of the kind. Open it, Mrs. Smythe. 

Smith. Don't you do it ! You'll be blown to smithereens. 
I tell you it's a bomb ! I heard a voice say " to-night " a mo- 
ment ago in this very room. 

Mrs. S. I shall open it, nevertheless. We've got to know 
the worst ! 

Smith. Marie, I implore you ! 

Mrs. S. (firmly). I shall open it ! (Picks up package.) 

Smith. Just a moment, Marie ! If it's got to be opened, 
I — I — I'll do it myself. You ladies must get out of the way, 
though. I — I don't want you to get hurt. For myself I'd 
nearly as soon be blown up as to be continually scared to death. 
I beg you to stand at a distance. 

(Mrs. S. to door, l. Mrs. de L. to door, r. They watch 
Smith from the doorways.) 

Mrs. de L. I honor you for your bravery, Mr. Smythe. 

Smith (teeth chattering). Oh, I — I — I'm brave enough. 
(Makes as if to pick up package. Shivers and withdraws.) 
I haven't made my last will and testament. 

Mrs. S. Never mind about that. Do open it ! 

Smith. Here goes! {Reaches for it. Hesitates. Trem- 
bles.) Hadn't it better be opened in the cellar? I don't 
think this room ought to be messed up. 

Mrs. S. If you are afraid, say so, and be done with it ! 

Smith. No, no, I'm not afraid. I — I — I'll do it. 

(Steadies right arm with left hand and picks up package.) 



Mrs. DEL What? 



42 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Mrs. de L. Do make haste, Mr. Smythe ! 

Smith. Now, who — who — who's doing this ? (Shuts eyes. 
Holds package off from him and opens it. Opens eyes and 
looks at it.) Thank God ! 

M RS - S - } What is it? 
Mrs. de L. j 

Smith. A phonograph record. {Relieved sigh.) 

Mrs. S. Catherine must have ordered it. {To c.) 

Mrs. de L. Didn't I tell you it was nothing? (To c.) 

Smith. Here's a tag attached to it. It says — it says 

{Trembles.) 
Mrs. S. ) 

Smith . < ' Warning Number Thirteen / ' ' {Sinks into chair. ) 

Mrs. de L. You are being made the victim of a practical 
joke. 

Smith. Then all I've got to say is : It's a darned good one. 

Mrs. S. I'll get the phonograph and we'll put the record on. 

\_Exit into music-room. 

Mrs. de L. What on earth can the sending of that record 
mean ? 

Smith. It's beyond me. 

Mrs. de L. I'm thankful that it was nothing worse. 

Smith. Maybe you think I'm not ! 

Reenter Mrs. S., with phonograph. 

Mrs. S. You put it on, Mrs. de Lacey. I'm so nervous 
I'm afraid I'd break it. 

(Mrs. de L. puts the record on.) 

Enter Jean, tmnoticed, through music-room. She stands in 
archway. 

The Record {ste?itoria?i tones). " War ni?ig Number Thir- 
teen. The hand that placed this record on your center-table 
is able to prevent your daughter's marriage to Lord Rainscourt." 

Smith. Just what I told you both ! 

Mrs. S. Shut up ! 

The Record. "I have no desire to commit a crime. If 
you will send me your own and Mrs. Smith's written permis- 
sion for your daughter to marry whomsoever she pleases I will 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 43 

let you alone. Otherwise prepare for consequences that will 
ensue. They will overwhelm you. This is all for the present." 

Smith. That was Mertens' voice. 

Mrs. S. I think so, too. 

Mrs. de L. Who is Mertens ? 

Smith. An anarchist. 

Mrs. de L. Then the matter is serious, indeed ! 

Jean. It sounds so to me. 

Mrs. de L. Did you hear what that record said ? 

Jean. Yes, I heard it. 

Mrs. de L. Things have been going on here for some time 
that we have kept from you and Catherine. We didn't want 
to alarm you. The author of that record has threatened re- 
peatedly to prevent Catherine's marriage to Lord Rainscourt. 
We don't know what action to take. 

Jean. I think that Mr. and Mrs. Smythe should do as the 
record demands. That man Mertens is probably laboring 
under an hallucination, and fancies that Catherine is being 
forced into this marriage. If he received this evening what 
he has asked for, it will no doubt satisfy him. 

Mrs. S. But why should he make such a ridiculous re- 
quest ? 

Jean. Because he's crazy. The record proves it. Will 
you listen to a further suggestion ? 

Smith. We certainly will, my girl. I've always said you 
had a good head on your shoulders. 

Jean. My suggestion is that you have mother 'phone to the 
morning papers and tell them that, owing to a sudden illness 
that has overtaken Catherine, the wedding has been postponed. 

Mrs. S. But think of the preparation we have made. Be- 
sides, how would that help matters ? 

Jean. We could then all go aboard ship, and they could 
be married quietly at sea. Your anarchist would be none the 
wiser. 

Smith. It's just the thing ! I told you she had a head on 
her ! 

Mrs. de L. In that case we need pay no further attention 
to those warnings. 

Jean. I don't agree with you. Mertens might take a notion 
to act to-night. 

Smith. Yes, yes, I am reminded again that I heard that 
voice say distinctly, "To-night." 

Jean. You and Mrs. Smythe write out that permission, 



44 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

word for word, and give it to me. I can look Mertens' name 
up in the directory and place it in his hands in half an hour. 

Smith. Jean, you're a brick ! 

Mrs. S. It's up to Mrs. de Lacey. I'll do whatever she 
advises. 

Mrs. de L. It's probably the best thing to do under the 
circumstances. I will go telephone the morning papers. 

[Exit, l. 

Jean. I'll get pen, ink and paper. [Exit, l. 

Mrs. S. You got us into this, Watterson ! If you had 
never invited Mertens here we wouldn't be in all this trouble. 

Smith. You forget, my dear. I didn't invite him here. I 
invited him to the Dugan flat. 

Mrs. S. I don't care to argue the matter. It's all your 
fault, anyhow ! 

Smith. Well, I've been sufficiently punished, God knows ! 
(Jean reenters, l., with pen, ink and paper.) You'll have to 
write it, Jean. I'm too nervous to do more than sign it. 

Jean {writing). " To Whom It May Concern : This is to 
certify that our daughter, Kitty, has our permission to marry 
whomsoever she pleases." Now, sign John W. Smith right 
here, Mr. Smythe. It's the name Mertens knows you by. 
(Smith signs.) Now, you sign Maria Smith, his wife, right 
here, Mrs. Smythe. (She signs.) Thank you both. I will 
not be gone very long. Good-bye ! 

[Exit, hurriedly, through music-room. 

Smith. A very clever girl, Marie. 

Mrs. S. Too clever. When Catherine is married I hope 
she will not see so much of Jeanne. 

Enter Will., b. c. 

Will. 'Is Lordship 'as returned. 'E 'as gone to 'is room, 
and begs me to say as 'ow 'e'll be down d'rec'ly. [Exit, b. c. 

Smith. I wonder what he'll think about the postponement 
of his marriage ? I expect we should have consulted him on 
the subject first. 

Mrs. S. Of course we should. Why didn't somebody 
think of that ? He may wash his hands of the whole business. 
I shouldn't blame him if he did. (To door, l.) Mrs. de 
Lacey ! 

Mrs. de L. (off). Yes? 

Mrs. S. Will you come here a moment, please? (To 
Smith.) She'll have to break the news to him. I can't. (Mrs, 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 45 

de L. enters l.) Mrs. de Lacey, Lord Rainscourt has just 
returned. He will be down in a moment. Would you mind 
telling him about our — our change of plans ? 

Mrs. de L. Certainly not. I think it would really be bet- 
ter if I did tell him. 

Mrs. S. Thank you so much. Have you 'phoned to the 
papers ? 

Mrs. de L. Yes. Suppose you and Mr. Smythe go into 
the library while I see Lord Rainscourt. 

Mrs. S. Come to us as soon as you can and let us know 
how he takes it. Come, Watterson ! [Exit, l. 

Smith (going). I feel so relieved, now that Jean has taken 
over the management of things, that I don't care much what 
Lord Rainscourt thinks about it. 

Mrs. de L. Oh, you mustn't say that, Mr. Smythe ! 

Smith. Well, I don't. [Exit, l. 

Mrs. de L. I hope Jeanne succeeds in finding that man 
Mertens. I don't know of anybody I'd sooner trust on such a 
mission than Jeanne. 

Enter Lord R., b. c. 

Lord R. All alone, Mrs. de Lacey ? Where — ah — is Cath- 
erine and the rest of the — ah — family ? 

Mrs. de L. Mr. and Mrs. Smythe are busy with some 
matters in the library. Catherine is probably in her room 
superintending her packing. I will send for her presently. 
(Pause.) Lord Rainscourt, I have something important to tell 
you. 

Lord R. Indeed ? 

Mrs. de L. Circumstances have arisen that will prevent 
your marriage from taking place as planned. 

Lord R. You astonish me ! What — ah — can have hap- 
pened ? 
|gi Mrs. de L. Mr. Smythe is in danger of being assassinated. 

Lord R. Is it possible ? 

Mrs. de L. He has received numerous anonymous warn- 
ings to that effect. 

Lord R. Does he suspect their source ? 

Mrs. de L. Yes. Their author is a dangerous anarchist 
by the name of Mertens. 

Lord R. That is bad — ah — indeed. What does Mr. 
Smythe propose to do about it ? Catherine must be dreadfully 
upset ? 



40 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Mrs. de L. Catherine doesn't know anything about it yet. 
Mr. Smythe thinks it best to give it out to the papers that 
Catherine is ill. And on that account that the wedding has 
been postponed. Then for you and Catherine to be quietly 
married aboard ship. 

Lord R. An excellent idea ! Then we shall sail to-mor- 
row? 

Mrs. de L. Yes. 

Lord R. I shall be just as well pleased. A public wedding 
is quite a bore at best, don't you know. 

Mrs. de L. I felt certain you would see it in a sensible 
light. 

Lord R. Thank you. I — ah — it will be necessary for me 
to make some slight change in my preparations. If you will 
excuse me I will go to my room for a few moments. After 
which I will be pleased to talk the matter over with Mr. — ah — 
Smythe. \Exit, B. C. 

Enter Mrs. S., l. 

Mrs. S. How did he take it ? 

Mrs. de L. Fine ! It didn't even ruffle him. He seemed 
to think that we had done the proper thing. 

Mrs. S. I'm so glad. It augurs well for Catherine's future 
happiness with him. 

Mrs. de L. Lord Rainscourt is one of the most considerate 
men I have ever known. 

Enter Will., b. c. 

Will. Mr. Adam Mertens to see Mr. Smythe. 

Mrs. de L. Mertens ! 

Mrs. S. To see Mr. Smythe ! 

Will. Yes, ma'am, so 'e said. 

Mrs. S. What on earth shall we do ? 

Mrs. de L. Jeanne must have found him and delivered the 
paper to him. Hadn't we better tell Mr. Smythe that he is 
here? 

Mrs. S. I don't know what to do. I've almost lost my 
wits. 

Mrs. de L. He can't mean to do Mr. Smythe any harm. 
He wouldn't come like an ordinary caller if he did. 

Mrs. S. You never can tell about those anarchists. They 
are not afraid of the devil himself. 

Mrs, de L. I think we had better all see him. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 47 

Mrs S. Then we must prepare Mr. Smythe. William, 
wait just outside the door. I will ask Mr. Smythe if he wishes 
to see the gentleman. (Will, exits, b. c.) What if Mr. 
Smythe refuses to see him ? 

Mrs. de L. I don't believe he will refuse. 

(Mrs. S. goes to door, l.) 

Mrs. S. Watterson, come here a moment ! (To Mrs. de L.) 
He has surely come on a peaceful mission. 
Mrs. de L. I certainly hope so ! 

Enter Smith, l. 

Smith. What is it, my dear ? 

Mrs. S. You tell him, Mrs. de Lacey. 

Mrs. de L. Mr. Smythe, even if I had not known it before, 
the manner in which you conducted yourself when you opened 
that package a few moments ago would have convinced me that 
you are a brave man. 

Smith. Yes, yes. Has something new happened ? 

Mrs. de L. No. But— but 

Smith. Yes, there has. I know it by the way you both 
look. What is it, Marie? 

Mrs. S. There's a man waiting to see you. 

Smith. Who is it ? Who is it ? 

Mrs. S. It's Adam Mertens ! 

Smith. Good God ! (Trembles.') What shall I do? 

Mrs. de L. We've decided that it's best to see him. 
Jeanne has probably given him that paper, and he has come to 
tell you that he will molest you no further. 

Smith. That sounds good, but I have my doubts. I— have 
— my — doubts ! 

Mrs. S. What else can we do but see him ? 

Mrs. de L. If we say you are not at home he'll come back 
later If we say you won't see him it will offend him. 

Smith You are right, I'll see him. He can't do any 
more than kill me. I'd about as soon be dead as like I am. 

Mrs. S. William ! (Will, appears b. c.) Show Mr. Mer- 
tens in ! 

Smith. Are you ladies going to remain ? 

Mrs. S. Yes. 
Mrs. de L. Yes. 



48 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Smith. "Misery loves company." I'm glad of it. lam 
unarmed. I have a pistol in my desk. I — — 

(Will, shows Mert. in and exits, b. c.) 

Mert. I expected to find you alone, Mr. Smith. 

Smith. These ladies desire to remain. This is Mrs. Smythe 

— I mean Smith — and this is Mrs. de Lacey, Mr. Mertens. 

Mert. I am very pleased to know you both. (Bows.) 

Mrs. S. ) m, ; •, 

,«- T > lhank you. 

Mrs. deL. ) J 

(They bow.) 

Smith. Will — will — won't you be seated ? 

Mert. Yes. (Sits.) I was surprised and pleased to re- 
ceive your message, Mr. Smith. 

Smith. Yes, yes. Miss Jean de Lacey delivered it, didn't 
she? 

Mert. I didn't ask her name, but she had a very pleasant 
voice. She is your daughter, I presume, madam ? 

Mrs. de L. Yes, sir. 

Mert. And now may I inquire why you wished me to call ? 

Smith. Certainly, certainly. You see we thought that now 
that we have complied with your demands that — — 

Mert. I beg your pardon ? 

Smith. Well, now that — that — that — 

Mrs. de L. Mr. Smythe is trying to say now that we have 
acceded to your demands and have cancelled the wedding, 
that 

Mert. You will pardon me, madam. I don't follow you 
any better than I do Mr. Smith. 

Mrs. de L. Mrs. Smythe, see if you can make him under- 
stand. 

Mrs. S. We received all of your warnings, Mr. Mertens, 
and have complied with them to the best of our ability. 

Mert. Warnings? I have sent you no warnings. You 
are all laboring under a delusion. 

Smith. Oh, but I recognized your voice, Mr. Mertens. 
You can't fool me. 

Mert. My voice ? Where ? 

Smith. On the phonograph record. 

Mert. Have you all suddenly lost your senses, or have I ? 
I repeat that I know nothing of any warnings or of a phono* 
graph record; either. Will you explain what you mean ? 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 49 

Mrs. de L. We have received numerous threatening letters 
from some source daily, since the announcement of Lord Rains- 
court's approaching marriage to Miss Catherine. This evening 
we received a phonograph record. We put it on the machine, 
and it made additional threats. The voice somewhat resem- 
bled yours. 

Mert. Now I understand you. So that is why you had 
Miss de Lacey 'phone me ? 

Smith. ") 

Mrs. S. [■ 'Phone you ? 

Mrs. de L. J 

Mert. Yes. She 'phoned that Mr. Smith wanted to see 
me at once. I saw nothing unusual in that, as Mr. Smith told 
me himself that he would communicate with me later. 

Smith. The mystery deepens. 

Mrs. S. Then she didn't deliver a paper to you signed by 
Mr. Smythe and myself? 

Mert. How could she ? She only talked to me over the 
telephone. I think it should be unnecessary for me to say 
again that I have had no hand in those warnings, and know 
nothing about them. It looks to me like you have all been the 
victims of a practical joker. 

Mrs. de L. I'm beginning to believe that Jeanne has had 
a hand in this all along. She was very willing and ready to 
suggest a way out of our difficulties. 

Mrs. S. What object could she have ? 

Enter Jean, Gar., Cath. and'EiT)., in street attire, b. c. 

Smith. Here she is to explain it herself ! 

Jean. Go ahead ! I'll answer anything you ask me. 

Mrs. de L. Why did you 'phone to Mr. Mertens and tell 
him that Mr. Smythe wanted to see him ? 

Jean. Because I knew that he had nothing to do with send- 
ing those warnings, and I wanted to give him a chance to tell 
Mr. Smythe so. 

Mrs. de L. How did you know that he had nothing to do 
with them ? 

Jean. Simply because I sent them myself. 

Mrs. S. You sent them and have had this house in an up- 
roar for two weeks ? 

Jean. Yes. 

Mrs, S. What did you hope to accomplish by it ? 



50 IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 

Jean. The fruits of my labor are there ! {Points to Cath. 
and Ed.) Catherine and Eddie have just been married ! 

Mrs. S. Married to Eddie Dugan ? In heaven's name, 
Catherine, tell me it isn't true ! 

Cath. It's true. Won't you forgive us ? 

Mrs. S. After the brilliant marriage I had arranged for 
you ? Never ! I shall take steps at once to have your mar- 
riage set aside. You are not of age and could not be legally 
married without your father's and my consent. (Smith laughs.) 
Mr. Smythe, have you lost all sense of the fitness of things ? 
Why are you laughing ? 

Smith. Because 1 see now why Jean insisted on our signing 
that marriage permit. I told you she had a head on her ! 

Mrs. S. You needn't act as though you condone her con- 
duct. Mrs. de Lacey, what's to be done ? 

Mrs. de L. Nothing, so far as Catherine's marriage to Mr. 
Dugan is concerned. They presented that permit to the clerk, 
and he issued their license. But Jeanne shall answer to her 
father for her conduct this very night ! 

Gar. I beg to differ with you. Jean has just become my wife. 

Jean. Yes, we had a double wedding. 

Mrs. de L. You are more than welcome to each other. I 
am surprised, though, that a minister would assist in deceiving 
a girl's parents as has been done in this case. 

Gar. I believe the end obtained has justified the means. 
Which do you conceive to be the greater fault, Mrs. Smythe, 
the deceiving of a girl's parents into granting her permission to 
marry the man she loves, or the deceiving of a daughter into 
marrying a man whom she does not love ? 

Mrs. S. J don't care to discuss the question. I am thinking 
of the notoriety we shall all receive. 

Jean. There will be none. The papers have been notified 
of Catherine's illness. She and Eddie are going away quietly 
for a honeymoon trip. By the time they return the postponed 
wedding will have been forgotten. 

Mrs. S. But the papers to-morrow will contain a list of 
wedding licenses issued. 

Jean. Yes, " Eddie Dugan to Kitty Smith." Nobody will 
connect Kitty Smith with Catherine Smythe, whose wedding to 
Lord Rainscourt has been postponed. 

Smith. No, they wouldn't. But if they do, what do we 
care ? I think it's about time to quit arguing, and congratu- 
late these young people. 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 5 1 

Mrs. de L. I shall not congratulate them ! 
Smith. Then you might go and apprise Lord Rainscourt of 
the turn events have taken. 

Mrs. de L. Very well. [Exit, haughtily, b. c. 

Mrs. S. I shall not congratulate them, either ! 

Enter Will., b. c. 

Will. Dinner is served. 

Mert. I must be going. 

Smith. Heaven help me, Mertens, I had forgotten you. 
You shall eat dinner with the brides and grooms. After dinner 
I want to have that promised talk with you. Now, all of you 
follow William to the dining-room, while I interview Mrs. 
Smith. 

(Will, exits, b. c, followed by Cath., Ed., Mert., Jean 
and Gar.) 

Mrs. S. One would think, Watterson, that you are pleased 
with Catherine's disgraceful behavior ! 

Smith. I've been doing some heavy thinking the past few 
minutes. Kitty married Eddie because she loved him. You 
led me to believe that she loved Rainscourt. Garland inti- 
mated that you had deceived Kitty as well. But that's all over 
with and doesn't matter now. What does matter is that we are 
done with trying to break into society. We might pass muster, 
and so might Eddie, but Mrs. Dugan, never. 1 shall place 
this house in the hands of an agent to sell and dismiss the 
servants. 

Mrs. S. But, Watterson 

Smith. Never say Watterson to me again. I never want to 
hear that name again while I live, and I'll take proper precau- 
tion to not have it carved on my tombstone when I'm dead. 
Henceforth my daughter's name is Kitty, my wife's Maria, and 
mine is John — {spelling) S-M-I-T-H, Smith ! 

Mrs. S. What has that to do with giving up this house and 
dismissing the servants ? 

Smith. It has this to do with it : I intend to put my philan- 
thropic theories into practice. I've danced to your music for 
twenty years, now you can dance to mine. I'm going to or- 
ganize an eleemosynary corporation and make over to it nine- 
tenths of all I possess. 

Mrs. S. You shall do no such thing ! 



52 



IF I ONLY HAD A MILLION 



Smith. With a socialist, a grocer, a clothier, and a parson 
on the directorate, we should be able to successfully find, feed, 
clothe, and save many a poor soul. My Uncle Henry suffered 
untold hardships to acquire his money, and the institution shall 
bear his name. 

Mrs. S. Are you really in earnest ? 

Smith. Absolutely so ! (Mrs. S. goes to r.) Where are 
you going ? 

Mrs. S. To bathe my head. It is almost splitting ! 

Smith. Oh, Maria, just one thing more 

Mrs. S. {at door, r., turning}. Well? 

Smith. A little Dugan for a grandson is good enough for 
me ! 



CURTAIN 



THE ELOPEMENT OF ELLEN 

A Farce Comedy in Three Acts by Marie J. Warren. Four males f 
three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior and one exte- 
rior. Plays an hour and a half. A bright and ingenious little play, ad- 
mirably suited for amateur acting. Written for and originally produced 
by Wellesley College girls. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 23 cents 

A VIRGINIA HEROINE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Susie G. McGlone. Eleven female char- 
acters. Scenery, easy ; costumes, modern. Plays one hour and forty-five 
minutes. Irish and Negro comedy parts, and two character parts ; most 
of the characters young. A very easy and interesting play for girls, well 
suited for school performance. Romantic interest with lots of comedy. 

Price, 25 cents 



OUR CHURCH FAIR 

A Farcical Entertainment in Two Acts by Jessie A. Kelley. Twelve 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant. Plays an hour and 
a quarter. A humorous picture of the planning of the annual church fair 
by the ladies of the sewing circle. Full of local hits and general human 
nature, and a sure laugh-producer in any community. Can be recom- 
mended. Price, 2J cents 

ALL CHARLEY'S FAULT 

A Farce in Two Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, three females. 
Scenery, an easy interior ; costumes, modern. Plays two hours. A very 
lively and laughable piece, full of action and admirably adapted for ama- 
teur performance. Dutch and Negro comedy characters. Plays very 
rapidly with lots of incident and not a dull moment. Strongly recom 
mended. Price, is cents 



HOW THE STORY GREW 

An Entertainment for Women's Clubs in One Act by O. W. Gleason. 
Eight female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant ; may 
be given on a platform without any. Plays forty-five minutes. A very 
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known peculiarity of almost any community. Written for middle-aged 
women, and a sure hit with the audience. Price, ij cents 

THE COUNTRY DOCTOR 

A Comedy Drama in Four Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, five 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours, 
Easy to stage and full of interest. The female parts are the stronger, being 
exceptionally good. Negro and " hayseed " comedy parts. A very strong 
dramatic piece. Can be recommended. Price, 2j cents 



THE BOY SCOUTS 

A Play for Boys in Three Acts 

By Walter Ben Hare 

Twenty males. Scenery, unimportant ; costumes, scout and modem 
Plays two hours. Worth refuses to vote for Tony as a new scout because 
the latter is poor, but Tony shows in the end that he is a true scout and 
wins his election. This simple motive underlies lots of characteristic fun 
and stunts, and offers as a whole a very vigorous and sympathetic picture 
of the Boy Scout practices, motives, and ideals. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Stewart Nipper, known as Nip. 

Fred Tuck, known as Tuck. 

Dick Randolph, the patrol leader. 

Worthington Leonard, a rich boy. 

Tony Ardis, a poor boy. 

Jakie Stein, with business instincts. 

Chubby Childs, who don 't care if he is fat. 

Watermelon Jackson, a lazy coon. 

Mrs. Watermelon Jackson, and her seven little coons. {May bd 

omitted. ) 
Lippy Scudder, who thinks he's a hero. 
Bub Waldron, going 071 seven. 
Jack Hall, assistant patrol leader. 
Plupy Higgins, who likes to study. 
Lee Waldron, wme athlete. 
Tom Redway, who plays the piano. 
Shorty, Harry, Charley, Will and Frank, other Boy Scouts. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I.— The meeting of the Bov Scouts of America. Nip and 
Tuck. 

Act II. — A rehearsal in the gym. The stunts of the Scouts. 
Act III. — Same as Act I. Swearing in the new tenderfoot. 



AUNT ABIGAIL AND THE BOYS 

A Farce in One Act 

By Lillie Fuller Merriam 

Nine males, two females. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. 
Plays one hour. Aunt Abigail, who hates boys, visits Gerald in college 
and finding him dressed in female costume for theatricals takes him for 
his sister Geraldine. Things are badly mixed up when his friends turn 
up and see the situation, but in the end Aunty is wholly cured of her 
dislike for the " boys." Lively and amusing ; recommended for schools. 

Price, 1$ cents 



THE TIME OF HIS LIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by C. Leona Dalrymple. Six males, three 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors, or can be played in 
one. Plays two hours and a half. A side-splitting piece, full of action 
and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Carter's little joke of im- 
personating the colored butler has unexpected consequences that give him 
" the time of his life." Very highly recommended for high school per- 
formance. Price, 25 cents 

THE COLLEGE CHAP 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Harry L. Newton and John 
Pierre Roche. Eleven males, seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
two interiors. Plays two and a half hours. An admirable play for ama- 
teurs. Absolutely American in spirit and up to date ; full of sympathetic 
interest but plenty of comedy ; lots of healthy sentiment, but nothing 
" mushy." Just the thing for high schools ; sane, effective, and not dif» 
ficult. Price, 25 cents 

THE DEACON'S SECOND WIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Allan Abbott. Six males, six females, 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, one exterior. Plays two hour* 
and a half. A play of rural life specially written for school performance. 
All the parts are good and of nearly equal opportunity, and the piece is full 
of laughs. Easy to produce; no awkward sentimental scenes; can b& 
strongly recommended for high schools. Price, 25 cents 

THE TEASER 

A Rural Comedy in Three Acts by Charles S. Allen. Four male, three 
female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same for all three acts ; 
costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. An admirable play for 
amateurs, very easy to get up, and very effective. Uraliah Higgins, a 
country postman, and Drusilla Todd are capital comedy parts, introducing 
songs or specialties, if desired. Plenty of incidental fun. 

Price, 25 cents 

COUNTRY FOLKS 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, five 
females. Costumes, modern; scenery, one interior. Plays two and a 
quarter hours. An effective and up-to-date play well suited for amateur 
pei-formance. All the parts good and fairly even in point of opportunity ; 
the ladies' parts especially so. Easy to stage, and well suited for schools. 
Well recommended. Price, 25 cents 

THE MISHAPS OF MINERVA 

A Farce in Two Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, eight fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scene, an interior. Plays one and a half 
hours. An exceptionally bright and amusing little play of high class and 
recommended to all classes of amateur players. Full of action and 
laughs, but refined. Irish low comedy part. Strongly endorsed. 

Price, 25 cents 



MR. KELLEY FROM KALAMAZOO 

A Farce in Three Acts 

By Macpherson Janney 

Eight males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an easy in- 
terior. Plays a full evening. Professional rights reserved. Prentice, out 
of favor with a rich uncle who supports him because he declines to marry 
a girl the uncle has picked out, encounters her by accident and has to 
masquerade as " Mr. Kelley." The encounter is complicated by the pres- 
ence of Ted Strong, of the St. Louis " Nationals " and the Rev. Ernest 
Frey, both of whom get mixed up with " Kelley" and with one another. 
It finally appears that his uncle's choice and the girl for whom Prentice 
has thrown her over are one and the same and all ends well. An ex- 
ceptionally bright and laughable farce ; characters first class ; situations 
side-splitting, dialogue very funny. A sure hit and can be recommended 
for schools. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Clarence Prentice, more or less a gentleman of leisure. 
Henry Tetlow, his uncle, an impressario. 
Rufe King, his brother-in-law. 

The Rev. Ernest Frey, rector of St. Benedict's, Heathfield Parish. 
Ted Strong, late of the St. Louis "Nationals.." 
Ignatz Demarest Rogers, a syncopated genius. 
Barton, butler at the Tetlows . 
Jim, a policeman. 

Madelaine Sanderson, Tetlow s ward. 
Mary King, his niece. 
Leslie Hill, late of the "Folies Bergeres." 
Students of Raeton College. 

Scene. — Tetlow's home, Raeton. 
Time. — The opening night of college. 



THE VILLAGE POSTMISTRESS 

A Rural Comedy Drama in Three Acts 

By Bertha Currier Porter 

Six males, six females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors,, 
Plays two hours. Alice, a nameless girl who lives with the Websters, is 
loved by the idolized son of the family. The mother, learning of this, 
turns her out of the house into the storm in his absence. The search that 
follows her departure discovers her to be the daughter of an early lover 
of the woman who sent her away. She is finally found and all ends 
happily. A simple but powerful story told by a cast of strong and well- 
drawn characters, Plenty of humor ; clean and bright. Strongly recorn* 



Price » /j cents 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By Walter Ben Hare 

Seven males, seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors 
and an exterior. Plays two hours and twenty minutes. Upon the dark 
days of Tom, Dick and Harry, author, artist and musician respectively 
starving in a New York garret under the dominion of the Widow Wood 
dawns the radiant vision of Amethyst Lake, heiress and belle of Kokomo' 
and a lively competition for her affections at once ensues, greatly compli- 
cated by divers previous attachments to La Lolita, the Widow and other 
energetic ladies. Two hours of highly amusing excitement; all the parts 
good; very funny. Professional stage-rights reserved. Well recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Tom Timmons, author 1 j ne 

Dick Chetwynd {Lord Richard Chetwynd), artist I Heiress 
Harry Clive, musician J Hunters. 

Major Morann, Toms uncle and Amethyst 's guardian 
Whimper, the only butler in Kokomo. 
Amethyst Lake, the heiress. 
Nell Gray, a true American girl. 
La Lolita, a model young ladyfro?n Spain. 
Mrs. Ballou, Amethyst's aunt, with social aspirations. 
The Widow Wood, who could blame her? 
John Patrick Wood, aged fourteen. 
Pandora Wood, aged thirteen. 
Rosella Wood, aged six ) 7 . 
Bijah Wood, a mere splinter \ no hnes to s P eak ' 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I.—The Castle of the Three Musketeers. Off for Kokomo 

™A CT }Jr~T hQ lawn at Lake mont, Kokomo, Indiana. The 
Widow Wood. 

Act III.— Evening party at Lakemont. Cupid shoots right and 



THE GREAT CHICKEN CASE 

A Mock Trial 

By Allan Burns 

_ Eight males, four females and jury. Costumes, modern ; scenery, un- 
important. Plays one hour and forty-five minutes. Henry Henpeck is 
charged with the larceny of one chicken intended for the consumption of 
the Ladies' Aid Society of Pumpkin Corners. Very funny and full of 
local hits, adapted to any locality. Two songs introduced, if desired A 
strong addition to the too small list of such entertainments. 

Price y 25 cents 



THE CAMP-FIRE GIRLS 

A Comedy in Four Acts 
By Walter Ben Hare 

Fifteen female characters and seven children who do not speak. Scenery, 
one interior and two exteriors; costumes modern and Indian. Plays a full 
evening. An admirable vehicle for spreading the principles of this help- 
ful order as well as an interesting and effective entertainment suitable for 
any occasion. Peggy Malone, the little drudge, is a part of enormous 
sympathy ; Zingara, the gypsy, very picturesque and di-amatic ; and 
Mollie Mealy, the old maid, a scream. Very strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

CHARACTERS 
Peggy Malone, a little drudge. 
Mrs. Bacon, a boarding-house keeper. 
Beulah Marie, her daughter, aged seventeen. 
Miss Henrietta Dash, a newspaper reporter. 
Miss Mollie Mealy, an old maid, so sentimental. 
Miss Lee, the guardian of the camp. 
Zingara, a wandering gypsy. 
Neeta, a little gypsy song-bird. 
Nell Mason 



Margery Gilmore 
Betty Thurston 
Nan Lester 
Melissa Hicks 
Doris Gray 
Phyllis Marvin 



Camp-Fire Girls. 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAMMES 

Act I. Christmas day in a boarding-house. The poor little 
drudge. Beulah entertains the camp. Peggy dreams. 

Act II. The dream. The Princess Pocahontas. 

Act III. Same as Act I. The awakening. Her cup of misery. 

Act IV. A gypsy camp. The Carnegie medal. Happiness 
at last. 



OUR BOYS 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By H. J. Byron 
A new edition of this evergreen comedy, reprinted from an acting copy 
and containing all the " gags" and stage business employed in professional 
performances of the piece, arranged for amateur production by Frank W. 
Fowle, following the traditions of the Boston Museum. Starting with a 
run of more than 1,500 nights in its original production, no existing play 
has had a larger or more universal success in the theatre than this. Very 
easy to produce and a sure hit in amateur theatricals. 

Price, ij cents 



RED ACRE FARM 

A Rural Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Gordan V. May. Seven 
males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior, one exte- 
rior. Plays two hours. An easy and entertaining play with a well-bal- 
anced cast of characters. The story is strong and sympathetic and the 
comedy element varied and amusing. Barnaby Strutt is a great part for 
a good comedian ; " Junior " a close second. Strongly recommended. 

Price:, 25 cents 

THE COUNTRY MINISTER 

A Comedy Drama in Five Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Eight males, 
five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery not difficult. Plays a full even- 
ing. A very sympathetic piece, of powerful dramatic interest ; strong and 
varied comedy relieves the serious plot. Ralph Underwood, the minister, 
is a great part, and Roxy a strong soubrette ; all parts are good and full 
of opportunity. Clean, bright and strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cents 

THE COLONEL'S MAID 

A Comedy in Three Acts by C. Leona Dalrymple. Six males, three 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays a full even- 
ing. An exceptionally bright and amusing comedy, full of action ; all the 
parts good. Capital Chinese low comedy part ; two first-class old men. 
This is a very exceptional piece and can be strongly recommended. 

Price, 25 cent* 

MOSE 

A Comedy in Three Acts by C. W. Miles, Eleven males, ten females. 
Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. A 
lively college farce, full of the true college spirit. Its cast is large, but 
many of the parts are small and incidental. Introduces a good deal of 
singing, which will serve to lengthen the performance. Recommended 
highly for co-educational colleges. Price, ij cents 

OUR WIVES 

A Farce in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Seven males, four fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours and 
a half. A bustling, up-to-date fai-ce, full of movement and action ; all 
the parts good and effective ; easy to produce ; just the thing for an ex- 
perienced amateur club and hard to spoil, even in the hands of less 
practical players. Free for amateur performance. Price, 25 cents 

THE SISTERHOOD OF BRIDGET 

A Farce in Three Acts by Robert Elwin Ford. Seven males, six fe* 
males. Costumes, modern; scenery, easy interiors. Plays two hours. 
An easy, effective and very humorous piece turning upon the always in- 
teresting servant girl question. A very unusual number of comedy parts ; 
all the parts good. Easy to get up and well recommended. Price, 25 cents 



A NEW START 

A Comedy in Four Acts 

By C. A. Pellanus 

Seven males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors 

Flays an hour and a half. A very funny play intended for performance 

by boys or youiig men. 

CHARACTERS 

Mr. W. Wrightup, alias \ a medical 

Dr. Phil Graves, R.S.V.P., P.T.O. j student. 

Michael Spowder, his servant, from lipperary. 

Colonel Ailment, a patient. 

Miss O'Phee, a patient. 

Thomas Wrotter, an ambitious youth. 

Mrs. Langwidge, his aunt, of British origin. 

Mr. Percy Veering, an attorney. 

A Laboring Man. 

Price t ij cents 

TOO CLEVER BY HALF 

A Comedy in Three Acts 
By C. A. Pellanus 
Six males, two females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. 
.Hays an hour and a quarter. Very lively and funny ; intended for per* 
lotmance by boys or young men, 

CHARACTERS 

Judgi Simeon Adams, a well-to-do, kindly, pompous old bachelor. 

Miss Burgess, his housekeeper. With matrimonial schemes. 

Nathan Dean, the village constable. Fat-witted, and gullible. 

Howard Foster, a Pinkerton detective. Too clever by half. 

Monsieur Gaspard, a Chef d' Ore hestre. 

B. Flat } . . D ... > , 

a c„,nn \musiciaiis. Britishers. 

J\. <&HARP J 

hifiS. Wordy, landlady of the village inn. 

Price, ij cents 

THE FIRST DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS 

A Comedy in Four Acts 
By C. A. Pellanus 
Six male characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays 
an hour and a half. An exceptionally brisk and humorous piece intended 
for male characters only. 



Prof. B. Willdard, a naturalist. A short-sighted old man. 
Job Shirker, a shoemaker. Envious of other mens success. 
Joseph Shirker, his son. A tramp. 
Henry Copper, a police officer and a duffer, born in England. 

Tim Bounder \ sc ^ 00 ^°y s ' Impertinent and full of high spirits. 

Price t ij cents 



THE VILLAGE POST-OFFICE 

An Entertainment in One Scene by Jessie A. Kelley. Twenty-two 
males and twenty females are called for, but one person may take several 
parts and some characters may be omitted. The stage is arranged as a 
country store and post-office in one. Costumes are rural and funny. 
Plays a full evening. Full of " good lines " and comical incident and 
character. Strongly recommended for church entertainments or general 
use ; very wholesome and clean. Price, 25 cents 

MISS FEARLESS & CO. 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Belle Marshall Locke. Ten females. 
Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. A bright 
and interesting play full of action and incident. Can be strongly recom- 
mended. All the parts are good. Sarah Jane Lovejoy, Katie O'Connor 
and Euphemia Addison are admirable character parts, and Miss Alias and 
Miss Alibi, the " silent sisters," offer a side-splitting novelty. 

Price, 25 cents 

LUCIA'S LOVER 

A Farce in Three Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Eight females. Cos- 
tumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and a half. A 
bright and graceful piece, light in character, but sympathetic and amusing. 
Six contrasted types of girls at boarding-school are shown in a novel story, 
Lots of fun, but very refined. Easy to produce and can be strongly 
recommended. Price, 25 cents 

A GIRL IN A THOUSAND 

A Comedy in Four Acts by Evelyn Gray Whiting. Fourteen females. 
Costumes, modern ; scenes, three interiors and an exterior. Plays a full 
evening. Very strong and sympathetic and of varied interest. Irish 
comedy ; strong " witch " character ; two very lively " kids " ; all the 
parts good. Effective, easy to produce, and can be strongly recommended 
as thoroughly wholesome in tone as well as amusing. Price, 23 cents 

MRS. BRIGGS OF THE POULTRY YARD 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Evelyn Gray Whiting. Four males, seven 
females. Scene, an interior ; costumes, modern. A domestic comedy 
looking steadfastly at the " bright side " of human affairs. Mrs. Briggs is 
an admirable part, full of original humor and quaint sayings, and all the 
characters are full of opportunity. Simply but effectively constructed, and 
written with great humor. Plays two hours. Price, 23 cents 

TOMMY'S WIFE 

A Farce in Three Acts by Marie J. Warren. Three males, five females. 
Costumes, modern ; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and a half. 
Originally produced by students of Wellesley College. A very original 
and entertaining play, distinguished by abundant humor. An unusually 
clever piece, strongly recommended. Price t 23 cents 



A REGIMENT OF TWO 

A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, 
four females. Modern costumes. Scene, an interior, the same for all 
three acts. Plays a full evening. A lively, up to-date farce, easy to pro- 
duce and full of laughs from beginning to end. All the parts good — no 
small ones. German comedy characters for both male and female, and 
44 wild west " character part and English character comedy. Strongly 
recommended. Price, 25 cents 

MISS BUZBY'S BOARDERS 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Five male, six fe- 
male characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two easy interiors. Plays 
two hours. In a lighter vein than this writer's other pieces, but just as 
strong, and offers plenty of comedy. All the parts good ; four call for 
strong acting. Several good character parts and effective heavy character. 
Dialogue especially good. A sure hit. Price, 23 cents 

VALLEY FARM 

A Drama in Four Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, six females. 
Scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Costumes, modern. An admirable 
play for amateurs, very sympathetic in theme, and with lots of good parts. 
Hetty is a strong lead, and Perry Deane and Silas great parts ; while 
Azariah, Lizy Ann Tucker and Verbena are full of fun. Plays a fuU 
evening. Price, 23 cents 

THE MISSING MISS MILLER 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Harold A. Clarke. Six males, five fe- 
males. Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
A bright and up-to-date farce comedy of the liveliest type. All the parts 
good ; full of opportunity for all hands. Easy to produce and strongly 
recommended. Good tone ; might answer for schools, but is a sure hit for 
amateur theatricals. Professional stage rights reserved. Price, 23 cents 

OUT OF TOWN 

A Comedy in Three Acts by Bell Elliot Palmer. Three males, five fe- 
males. Scene, an interior, the same for all three acts ; costumes, modern. 
Plays an hour and a half. A clever and interesting comedy, very easy to 
produce and recommended for amateur performance. All the parts good. 
A safe piece for a fastidious audience, as its theme and treatment are alike 
beyond reproach. Price, 23 cents 

GADSBY'S GIRLS 

AFarce in Three Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, four fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, an exterior and an interior. Plays an 
hour and a half. An exceptionally bright and vivacious little piece, full 
of action. Gadsby's adventures with the fiancees of three of his friends 
are full of interest and fun. All the parts good. Well suited for high 
school performance. Price, 23 cents 



TAKING THE CENSUS IN BINGVILLE 

An Entertainment in One Act by Jessie A. Kelley. Fourteen males, 
eight females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant. Plays an hour 
and a half. One of the always popular go-as-you-please entertainments ; 
just a lot of laughs strung on a very slender wire of story. Full of eccen- 
tric character bits and chances for local hits. A sure success for the 
laughter-loving. Recommended for church societies or intimate com- 
munities. Price, 23 cents 

MISS PRIM'S KINDERGARTEN 

An Entertainment in One Scene by Jessie A. Kelley. Ten males, 
eleven females. No scenery or curtain needed; costumes introduce 
grown people dressed as children. Plays an hour and a half. Full of 
laughs and a sure hit with the audience. All the parts very easy except 
the Teacher's, and as it is possible for her to use a book, the entertain- 
ment can be got up with exceptional ease and quickness. Can be recom- 
mended. Price, 25 cents 

THE PACKING OF THE HOME MIS- 
SIONARY BARREL 

An Entertainment in One Scene by Mrs. Henry A. Hallock. Ten fe- 
males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant. Plays thirty minuter!. 
One of those little satires of feminine ways that are so popular even witk 
the ladies; very shrewd and effective, but perfectly good-natured. An as- 
sured success and very easy to get up. Strongly recommended. 

Price, 13 cents 

A MODERN SEWING SOCIETY 

An Entertainment in One Scene by O. W. Gleason, Fourteen females. 
Costumes, modern ; no scenery required. May be easily presented on a 
bare platform. Plays forty-five minutes. A humorous picture of this 
much-abused institution, briskly and vivaciously written and full of 
*« points." Its characters offer a wide variety of opportunity for local hits, 
and satire of local characters and institutions. Price, ij cents 

HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 

An Entertainment in Three Scenes by Mrs. O. W. Gleason. Eighteen 
females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, unimportant. Plays one and a 
half hours. A humorous skit on the Woman's Club suited for perform- 
ance by either young or middle-aged women. Full of points and chances 
for local hits and thus a sure laugh-maker. Parts well distributed ; can 
be recommended. Price, 13 cents 

SCENES IN THE UNION DEPOT 

A Humorous Entertainment in One Scene by Laura M. Parsons. 
Twenty-four males, eighteen females and eight children, but can be played 
by less if desired. Scenery, unimportant ; costumes, modern. Full of 
humorous points and chances to introduce local hits. Plays from an houf 
up, according to specialties introduced. Price, 23 cents 



LOVE AND TEA 

A Comedy Drama of Colonial Times in Two Acts 

By Anna Phillips See 

Two males, six females. Scenery, a single interior; costumes of the 
period. Plays an hour and a half. Miss Boltwood, a despotic spinster, 
joins a band of ladies who forswear tea until the war is over. Her niece, 
Betty, whose engagement she opposes, catches her in the act of secretly 
indulging and thus forces her consent. A clever and amusing picture of 
the period that can be strongly recommended. Fine colored comedy 
character. All the parts good. 

Price, 23 cents 

CHARACTERS 

Miss Lavinia Boltwood, a despotic spinster, 

Betty Boltwood, her niece. 

Mrs. Cowles, a neighbor. 

Mrs. Adams, another. 

Mrs. Strong, the village gossip. 

Mandy, slave of Miss Boltwood' s. 

Judge Ingram, a middle-aged bachelor of mild Tory sentiments, 

William Dickinson, a fiery young minuteman. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — The living-room of a comfortable village home, a few 
days after the Battle of Lexington. 
Act II. — The same, not long after the Battle of Bunker Hill. 

THE HAPPY DAY 

A Farce in One Act 
By Octavia Roberts 
Seven female characters. Scene, an interior; costumes, modern. Plays 
half an hour. Sybil Marlowe, a bride, worried to death by the burden of 
preparation for a fashionable wedding and on the eve of a quarrel with 
her fiance over the strenuous entertainments of her friends, cuts the knot 
when an impossible country cousin turns up with a demand to serve as 
bridesmaid, and gets married on the quiet. Very bright and lively and 
strongly recommended. Price, ij cents 

THIS IS SO SUDDEN 

A Farce in One Act 
By Macpherson Janney 

Five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a single easy interior. 
Plays twenty minutes. Jack, a male, who does not appear, and who has 
been living on intimate platonic terms with three " bachelor girls " for a 
long time, is suddenly seized with a bad attack of " matrimonium 
tremens " and at the opening of the piece has suddenly proposed to all 
three of them with explosive results. The excitement is great while it 
lasts, but it finally appears that two of the three are protected by the 
vaccination of previous engagements, so that the right one gets him. 
Very bright, animated and funny. Well recommended. 

Price, ij cents 



JL U). Pinero's Plays 

Price, 50 Cc if* each 



lVlin PHANNFl Play in Four Acts. Six males, five femaies.. 
lTllL' , "v>il.rlliliEiLi (j os t umeSj modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH £5T*M$ 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PRflf?! JC ATF JE>la 5 r in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
1 ll£i I i\U'l LEUfik 1 1., females. Scenery, tliree interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QfTJnffcl MfQTKFQS Fjirce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
lnEi O^OUU'liWlliJlIVL.iJl seven fenniles. Costumes, mod- 
ern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. 

THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ig t ln S£, A $!; 

females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a 
full evening. 

^WFFT I AVFNHFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
UTf LiLil Lit\\ LjllumiX four females. Scene, a single interior, 
costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF THIIMnFRRHIT Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
IrlEi inUl^lJILl\DUL.I nine females. Scenery, three interi- 
ors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF TTMF^i Comedy in Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
lllEi 1 IlTlUkj Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

THF WFAJfFR QVY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 

lIlEi VY E)i"VlVlLii\ ijCiA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE Sgt^g&JgZ 

Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Matter & pato & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



LIBRARY OF CONGREJ 




017 401 524 " 



%ty 3^tlltam barren €Ution 
of ^laps 

$rite, 15 €ent£ <£ad> 



AS YOU I IKF IT Comed y in Fivft Acts. Thirteen males, four 
AD 1VL LIIVlv 11 females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, va- 
ried. Plays a full evening. 

CAIWIITF I )rama ' n Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
vAi'IlLrflvL tumes, modern ; scenery, varied. Plays a full evening. 

INfiftMAR P^ a y * n *ive Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
lnUvITlAiy Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 

MARY STUART Tra g ed y in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
l!i/*J\l J 1 UAlll males, and supernumeraries. Costumes, of the 
period; scenery, varied and elaborate. Plays a full evening. 

THF IWFDfHANT AP VFNIPP Comedy in Five Acts. Seventeen 
lllE ITlEKVlIAfll Vr YCM^E males, three females. Costumes, 
picturesque ; scenery varied. Plays a full evening. 

RFCHFI IFH ** lay in Five Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Seen 
l\IvIlLLtflL<U erv ela.bora.tfi : costumes of the. neriod. Plavs a. fill 



evening. 



ery elaborate ; costumes of the period. Plays a full 



THF RIVAIS Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 

•llllw 1« " AL41J Snenerv varied- cnstiimps of the neriod. Plavs a. 

full evening. 



Scenery varied ; costumes of the period. Plays a 



SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER SS^fSS^&JS^E 

ried ; costumes of the period. Plays a full evening. 

TWELFTH NIGHT; OR, WHAT YOD WILL SSS^L^S?. 

three females. Costumes, picturesque ; scenery, varied. Plays a 
full evening. 



Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 

Salter $. TSafitv & Company 

No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



8. J. PARKHILL ft CO., PRINTUtS, BOSTON, U.S.A. 



